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How do I balance tolerance with not accepting discourteous behavior?

How do I balance tolerance with not accepting discourteous behavior?

Question: How do I balance my natural desire to help someone with my aversion to tolerating discourteous behavior from them?

Answer: I understand the conflict between wanting to help, and having that help rejected and stomped on. You can’t force someone to accept help. You can only offer it, and if it’s rejected, move on. There is no reason why you should put up with unacceptable behavior from other people.

That behavior shows their disrespect of you, others and themselves. We tend to train others how to treat us, so if you set boundaries and stick to them, people will learn what you’ll accept and what you won’t.

Sometimes the best way you can help others is not to help them, and to let them get bumped around. It’s really hard for those of us with natural inclinations to help, but that’s part of our lesson, too. To learn what kind of help others truly need.

Copyright 2004, 2013 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Commit To A Path, Part 2

Commit To A Path, Part 2

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Not clearly communicating your decisions and desires in a professional and personal situation causes many problems for you, including:

It wastes precious emotional energy when you don’t make a commitment one way or the other. You worry about what will happen when they find out you’re backing out or breaking up. Maybe you duck their calls and avoid them when you see them. Giving them a definitive answer means that they have closure and you no longer have to be concerned. You can put your energy to more constructive use.

It gives your subconscious the instruction not to commit to a direction. If you have a habit of not making a choice and communicating it, your subconscious will follow that pattern with the goals you do want. It will take much longer to achieve them because your subconscious has been programmed to vacillate. When you are decisive, one way or the other, you give your subconscious the message that you choose to accomplish your goals. Even if you change your mind later on, you still are decisive and can move in a direction.

If you never say no to what you don’t want, you can never say yes to what you do want. By equivocating and not definitively saying, “No,” to a situation, you can’t move forward to what you want. Not committing is essentially the same as being indecisive. As long as you have your feet on two paths, you can never travel down one of them. Pick a path and commit yourself to it. You engage the Law of Attraction when you make a clear choice as to what you want. Set the decision behind you and move forward to what you want.

If you don’t want to say, “No,” when you’re asked, you can say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” Then follow through on your statement and give them your answer within a couple of days. This frees them to find someone else.

In personal relationships, give clear messages. When you feel that the relationship has run its course, let the other person know that it’s time to go your separate ways. This gives them closure and lets them begin the process of healing and moving on.

Clear communication with others means that you also have clear communication within yourself. By giving a definite answer to someone, you’re not wasting time and energy being evasive with others, and you’re supporting your dreams, desires and well-being. This allows you to be true to yourself and fulfill your potential.

Affirmation

I realize that giving clear communication and accurate information is necessary for me to have the best relationship with my inner self. When I pick a path and commit to it, I send a message to my inner self that I’m saying “Yes” to what I want. I follow through with my commitments and confront outstanding issues. In so doing, I free up more energy to be used to further my dreams and desires.

Copyright 2013 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Live According To Your Values

Live According To Your Values

When you live according to what is important to you, you’re living in tune with your deepest self. Discovering what your values are helps you to make wiser decisions. Learn 6 ways to clarify your values and gain the sense of fulfillment living according to them gives you.



Be True To Yourself, Part 2

Be True To Yourself, Part 2

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Living up to your values isn’t always easy. Sometimes it can be inconvenient and difficult, such as trying to carve out family time from a busy professional life. But if you try to rationalize and ignore your standards, because it’s expedient in the situation, you’ll create internal strife and tension. When you violate your values, you feel abandoned, because you’ve betrayed your deepest self.

Honoring your values builds empowerment and self-worth. By supporting what you feel is important, you validate yourself and your choices. You feel good about yourself, feeling more whole and complete. By taking action on what you feel is right for you, you build a sense of self-respect. You approve of yourself and your actions.

When you live in alignment with your standards, then you feel worthy of happiness, abundance, joy, and all good. You’re more open to the Universal flow of good. There is less inner resistance to it and you feel more deserving of it. Other people recognize that you’re more in tune with yourself, and are drawn to you. And because you can trust yourself, they’ll be able to trust you. Other people know what to expect from you and will respect you for that.

Learning what your values are helps you to make better decisions. You can ask yourself, “Does this allow me to support my values?” and “Does this violate my values?” Sometimes, the choice to follow your heart can be difficult in the short term. You may have to sacrifice something you want so that you’re in alignment with your deepest self. But the long term rewards for being true to yourself are beyond measure.

Affirmation

I recognize and honor the values that I cherish. When I need to make a choice, I consider what’s important to me. Even if it’s a difficult choice, I realize that it’s worth it. My values are unique to me and I deserve to live in alignment with them. As I’m true to myself, I open to more Universal good of abundance, happiness, and joy.

Copyright 2013 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Be True To Yourself, Part 1

Be True To Yourself, Part 1

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Shakespeare said, “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” When you are true to yourself, you follow certain values that you live your life by.

A moral is “You must be honest,” and are generally dictated by culture, society or religion. But when you’re working on your income tax return, you might feel that you’re entitled to keep the money that you’ve earned. In this case, your value would be that any way to elude the regulations is ok, so that you keep what you believe is rightfully yours. Values are core beliefs that you have accepted or created and they direct your actions and decisions.

Values are also attitudes and behaviors that you’ve consciously decided are important to you. They motivate you to act in constructive ways. They might have been inspired by others, but they are ideas that you have chosen to live by. What they aren’t are ideas that have been imposed on you or you think you should have.

For instance, if you enjoy being an omnivore (eating meat and vegetables), and your friends pressure you into being a vegetarian, that’s not a value that you’ve chosen for yourself. And you’ll probably eventually return to what resonates with you. Some values are created by fear, such as, “Don’t rock the boat,” or “Be invisible.” These are constrictive and don’t allow you to expand into your potential.

A positive core value would be one such as honesty, independence, empathy, order, personal power, risk taking, family time and similar concepts. When you uphold your values and live accordingly, you feel fulfilled and authentic. However, when you aren’t true to yourself, or violate your individual values, you feel anxious and out of sorts. You probably feel guilty because you’ve violated what you cherish.

For instance, if you value honesty, you can’t shoplift or steal from another. For Anabel, honesty was a core value. As a teenager, she accidentally walked out of a store with a candy bar. In a store across the mall, she realized what she’d done. She went directly back to the original store, explained what had happened and paid for it. Rather than taking the easy way out and just keeping the candy, she took action on what she valued. If she hadn’t, she would have violated what she held dear.

Copyright 2013 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Let Yourself Shine

Let Yourself Shine

When you let your light shine, you give others permission to let theirs shine, too. You raise your self-esteem and your light shines brighter as you deliberately share your light with others. Learn 3 easy ways to brighten another’s path by letting your light shine.


Copyright 2013 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Take a Risk and Claim Your Authenticity, Part 2

Take a Risk and Claim Your Authenticity, Part 2

by Linda-Ann Stewart

As an art teacher and friend once said, “Give yourself permission to do it badly.” That’s one of the most freeing concepts for creativity. When you do this, you allow yourself to experiment and be spontaneous. And only with experimentation can you find new ways and techniques. Staying with the “same old, same old” will simply keep you in a rut.

Pick up a brush, lump of clay or camera and create something. Challenge some of the beliefs you have and say, “No” to something you don’t want to do. The sky is unlikely to fall, and you’ll feel stronger. Hold your ground when someone tries to bully you. Tell a friend how you feel when she’s always an hour late for lunch.

You’re more authentic when you risk. Stepping out of what’s secure and safe breaks down your inner barriers. You unblock yourself and let the Universe flow more fully through you. And even when things don’t work out, as sometimes happens, you have more resources to handle it philosophically. You can assure yourself, “At least I tried.” Giving yourself permission to try and fail can create a feeling of safety that allows you to try again.

I couldn’t sit silent and let the group be bullied into a course of action that would be unproductive. That would have made me feel like a victim. Because I risked going out of my comfort zone and speaking up, my beliefs were altered in a positive way. It gave me the courage to explore other areas and confront my fears.

When you risk, even if it doesn’t work out, it expands your horizons. You learn something valuable that you can use the next time. You’ve empowered yourself to stretch and be a victor. This establishes a pattern that can continue to reveal more of your authentic self.

Affirmation

When I try new things and experiment, I give myself permission to do it badly or fail. What matters is the attempt to move out of my comfort zone. As I risk new directions and activities, the Universe flows more smoothly through me into greater good. I empower myself explore new avenues and experiences. By allowing myself to risk, I open myself to be more authentic.

Copyright 2012 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Take a Risk and Claim Your Authenticity, Part 1

Take a Risk and Claim Your Authenticity, Part 1

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Many years ago, I was a member of a group that promoted and encouraged creative writing in the community. We’d been working together for a couple of years when a new member joined us. She came in with a host of ideas, many of which we’d already tried, with no success. Even after we explained that, she insisted on our implementing them anyway.

No one challenged her and said, “No, that didn’t work the first time and we’re not going to do it again.” I decided someone had to draw the line, and although I expected censure from the rest of the group, I stood up to her and said, “No.” It got a little heated.

After the meeting, I was surprised and amazed when the other members thanked me for standing firm. “Someone had to do it,” they said. This was the opposite reaction that I’d learned to expect, based on my childhood experiences. In my youth, if I set a boundary or challenged someone, I was ostracized. The members’ appreciation rocked my worldview. It altered even more when the new member called me and kept trying to change my mind. And that, from then on, she respected me.

When you risk stepping out of your comfort zone, you find a deeper level of self-commitment and self-acceptance. By being true to yourself, you give yourself the message that your opinions and values are important. This buoys up your self-concept and increases your self-respect, which in turn gives you a greater feeling of confidence. It encourages you to open up and be more authentic.

I felt the new member had to be stopped from taking us down a fruitless path, so I acted on what I thought was right. By following my values, I fed my self-respect and felt like I’d accomplished something. When I stepped out of my comfort zone, I found approval when I expected displeasure.

The same thing can be said for trying new things. Making the choice to risk trying something you haven’t done before, whether you’re good at it or not, opens your mind to new experiences and possibilities. You don’t have to be good at it, you just have to try. And if you don’t explore new activities or pursuits, you won’t find hidden treasures that make your heart sing.

This is the way children learn. They try, fail, and try again. When they’re learning to walk, playing with building blocks, or making a sand castle, they don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work out initially. Exploring and experimentation allows them to expand their awareness and discover what works and what doesn’t. Children are persistent and keep trying, even it they don’t succeed the first time. They’re authentic and their confidence grows as they try again and achieve their goal.

Copyright 2012 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Judgment Vs. Discernment, Part 2

Judgment Vs. Discernment, Part 2

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Whereas judgement assigns an emotional value on something, discernment is when you assess a situation or a person objectively and decide that you don’t want to participate. For instance, they don’t like apples, and decide not to eat one. There is no emotion attached to the decision. Just a simple “no thank you.”

Maybe an acquaintance keeps making disparaging remarks about Jill’s clothing as a way of teasing her. Jill has the right to decide that this isn’t a person she wants in her circle of friends. It doesn’t mean that she judges this person as “bad.” Just that the person’s actions makes her uncomfortable, and she doesn’t want to be around them.

Jill can accept the person as they are, knowing that they have the right to express themselves as they want. But also knowing that their self-expression isn’t compatible with hers. And if they really hurt her feelings, she can accept the individual, but not the way they act. If what they’re doing is inappropriate, then she can separate it from the person. Suppose a child leaves their bicycle behind her car, she doesn’t see it and runs over it. The child isn’t a bad person. They just did something irresponsible.

Being discerning means detaching from a situation, and letting go of any need to feel superior. It also means not avoiding making a decision for fear of being judgmental. Either of those issues has an emotional charge. Discernment is a spiritual quality, and one which we all need to develop for our spiritual evolution. We need to learn to say “no thank you” to that which is our lesser good, so we can say “yes” to our greater Good.
For if we can’t decide between turning left or right, how can we learn to follow the path of our Highest Good?

Copyright 2001, 2012 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Judgment Vs. Discernment, Part 1

Judgment Vs. Discernment, Part 1

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Those of us on the spiritual path generally aim to be nonjudgmental. We know the dangers of being judgmental, and what can happen to ourselves and others when we fall into those negative patterns. But do you really know what judging is? Judgement is when a person places an emotional value of good or bad on an activity, person, or experience. When they see an apple, if they determine that it’s a terrible fruit, then anyone who eats one is also bad. Judgement comes from a feeling of shame and inferiority.

A person who judges others feels inadequate. They feel that they aren’t good enough. Not that what they DO isn’t good enough. But that they are not enough. They probably had parents and an environment that criticized them repeatedly, and they have internalized those statements. The only way they can get some relief from the pain and anguish is to dump their negative feelings on others. They judge others as “bad,” and then, momentarily, they can feel superior to someone or something else.

I once had someone tell me that anyone who likes the color green is stupid and has no sense of taste. Because I had the audacity to disagree, she took it personally, as if my opinion was attacking hers.

Being judgmental becomes a vicious cycle. If a person judges others, you can bet they’re doing the same thing to themselves. Otherwise, they wouldn’t need to find a target to shame. As people who are interested in developing spiritually, we don’t want to judge others, and we certainly want to stop judging ourselves. But too many people on the spiritual path swing too far in the other direction, and don’t utilize their God-given ability to discern what is better for them and what is not so great. There actually is a difference between judgement and discernment.

Copyright 2001, 2012 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved