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Be Authentic by Walking Your Talk

Be Authentic by Walking Your Talk

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by Linda-Ann Stewart

woman's shoes walking away

Several years ago, an acquaintance told me she’d just been to a conference with many spiritual and personal development speakers. At the reception, she was especially delighted to meet one of her idols. His core message was to be present with the person you were with and to make that person feel important.

He greeted her by looking into her eyes and saying, “You’re very important to me.” But as she spoke to him, his eyes wandered the room, and a few moments later he excused himself. He walked over to greet someone else with the same phrase. She was completely disenchanted by his hypocrisy. He didn’t walk his talk, and lost a devoted follower.

What Authenticity Is and What It Isn’t

When a person’s actions don’t align with what they claim is important to them, this causes others to distrust them. This is true in personal and professional relationships. People are attracted to those who are authentic. Authenticity consists of being sincere, genuine, and living according to your values.

However, if you’re having a bad day or are in a difficult mood, authenticity doesn’t require you to share it with your boss, your customer, or the grocery clerk. That would be counterproductive. It could overwhelm them or cause them to feel uncomfortable. Those in your outer circle crave consistency, reliability and professionalism.

Being True to Yourself

Being connected to your principles allows you to decide how to be present with the different people and situations in your life. When you’re authentic, it denotes that you’re being true to yourself and what you believe in. It increases your credibility to others. In personal relationships, after you’ve built a foundation of trust, it’s appropriate to be vulnerable and reveal more of yourself.

When your words and deeds match, and you follow through on promises and intentions, you establish your integrity. This gives people the message that it’s safe to depend on you. As you walk your talk, you fit your actions to your words. As a result, it instills in you a deep sense of confidence, self-esteem, happiness and inner peace. What values are most important to you and how can you best honor them?

Affirmation:

When I am authentic, then I am being a clear channel for the Universe to flow through me. I choose to live according to my deepest values. By aligning my words and my deeds, I build trust. As I follow through on my promises and intentions, I establish integrity. By being true to myself, I am true to others, as well.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

The Transformative Power of Self-Talk

The Transformative Power of Self-Talk

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“We are what we think about all day long.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“We are what we think about all day long.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

You have, at your disposal, a very powerful tool that can reshape your brain and your mind, thereby transforming your life. You use it every day, consciously or unconsciously. Whether you call the process self-talk, affirmations or auto-suggestion, the results are the same. The thoughts and statements you repeat wire your brain and create your experience. 

Your Statements Change Your Brain

If your thoughts are generally positive, your brain builds neurons in areas of the brain that support motivation, constructive behaviors, and increased self-worth. However if you’re more pessimistic, the areas in your brain form more connections for anxiety, depression and self-doubt.

Your internal dialogue directs your attention, whether you habitually criticize, or deliberately boost your confidence. Your mind doesn’t distinguish or care if you use positive or negative statements. It creates the pathways you instruct it to. And those pathways then affect your thoughts, moods, actions and behaviors.

When you do something that falls short of your expectations, do you say, “I can’t to do anything right?” Or do you say, “Ok, I learned something and I’ll do better next time?” The way you talk to yourself affects how you behave. The first statement wires your brain to discourage you from trying again. The second wires you for creativity and to problem solve.

You Can Train Your Brain How to Think

You can intentionally train your mind how to think. I don’t mean tell yourself that, “I’m the greatest pianist of all time.” Your conscious mind would instantly deny that, and erase the effectiveness of the phrase. In this case, repeat something like, “My skills and abilities are improving every time I practice.”

When you choose the positive idea you want your brain to accept, make it one that is under your control and that’s believable. Repeat it over and over, out loud, flooding your brain with the statement. You need to pay attention to what you’re telling yourself so you build neurons that support your intention. By feeding your mind new, more positive statements, you’ll create new pathways in your brain that support optimism and empower your highest potential.

Affirmation:

I know the Universe wants to give me all the good I choose. I simply need to align my mind to receive that good. I am now choosing a greater good for myself and changing my brain and subconscious mind to accept it. I feed my mind with positive ideas that support healthy, happiness, and harmony. The more I focus on my good, the more good I experience.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

Overcome the Law of Reversed Effort, Part 2

Overcome the Law of Reversed Effort, Part 2

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by Linda-Ann Stewart

“When the imagination and will power are in conflict, are antagonistic, it is always the imagination which wins, without any exception.” Emile Coue

Emile Coue was a psychologist and originated the Law of Reverse Effect concept in the late 1800’s. He studied under hypnotists of the time, and noticed that whenever your conscious mind (will power) and subconscious mind (imagination) are at odds, your subconscious will always win. Essentially, when you try to will yourself to do something that your subconscious mind objects to, you’re unlikely to succeed.

Your Subconscious Is Trying to Help

For instance, suppose you want to lose weight, but you want the piece of cake in front of you more. Trying to force your subconscious to comply, and resist the cake, will cause it to rebel. The cake is a more immediate pleasure. For you to be successful, your conscious mind and subconscious minds must align, and be in agreement, otherwise your subconscious will sabotage you.

Your subconscious was programmed with beliefs and ideas when you were younger, and it’s simply following its programming. It doesn’t realize that your life, needs and desires have changed. Your subconscious is trying to help you by resisting new ideas from your conscious mind. Your subconscious needs reassurance and convincing that it’s safe to accept what your conscious mind wants.

How to Overcome Subconscious Resistance

From his observation of hypnosis, Emile Coue developed the auto-suggestion method. He’s famous for formulating the phrase, “Day by day, in every way, I am getting better and better,” and instructed his followers to say it while relaxed. In this way, he helped them overcome their subconscious resistance to change.

You can use this same auto-suggestion method, or the similar self-talk or affirmation concepts, to persuade your subconscious mind. Repeat general suggestions, like “Day by day…,” to gently gain your subconscious mind’s cooperation are useful to begin with. Once your subconscious mind’s resistance has reduced, you can use more specific suggestions about your goal.

Understanding how and why this Law works explains why you may have been blocked from succeeding in the past. With this knowledge, you now have the ability to overcome the Law, empowering you to improve your life and achieve your goals and dreams.

Affirmation:

Something wonderful is happening through my life right now. I know the Universe wants the best for me in all areas of my life. I expect and accept that everything works out in my favor. Every day, in every way, my mind, body and affairs are becoming happier, healthier and more abundant.

Read the first part of this article, Overcome the Law of Reversed Effort, Part 1.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

Overcome the Law of Reversed Effort, Part 1

Overcome the Law of Reversed Effort, Part 1

by Linda-Ann Stewart

“The harder we try with the conscious will to do something, the less we shall succeed.” Aldous Huxley

“The harder we try with the conscious will to do something, the less we shall succeed.” Aldous Huxley

Have you ever tried to force yourself to go to sleep? What about willing yourself to relax or meditate? Usually, the harder you try to do any of these the opposite happened. The more tense or more awake you got. This is called “The Law of Reversed Effort,” popularized by Aldous Huxley, or “The Law of Reverse Effect,” first described by Emile Coue.  

Willpower Alone Can Sabotage You

Whenever you try to compel yourself to do some action, you create stress, tension and anxiety. Tension shuts down your creative flow, and the flow of the Universe. Stress sabotages your automatic mental and muscle memory, much like an athlete who thinks too hard about their next move. Stress blocks your progress.

Have you ever tried to change a habit with sheer willpower? It’s like trying to hold water in your fist. There’s no room for the water in your fist, and it slips away. Putting more energy into pressuring yourself to do something stirs up resistance to accomplishing it. And the more effort you put into trying to push through, the more resistance there is.

As a result, you start to think negatively, which just makes things worse, and more difficult. It doesn’t matter if it’s trying to balance your checkbook, complete a project, or change a habit. The more you try to force an outcome, the less success you’ll have.  

How to Make Progress

Instead, you have to lighten up. Open up and relax your fist, and use it as a cup to gather water. Take a step back, and let your subconscious work on a better way of achieving your next step. Often, when I’ve hit a snag with a creative venture, like writing or weaving, I take a break. When I come back to it, the answer is there or the activity flows more smoothly. For instance, to go to sleep you have to allow drowsiness to creep through you.

Other ways to make progress are to take small steps. This results in small successes, which triggers your reward center, and gains the attention of your subconscious mind. You could also focus more on your process, the steps you’re taking, rather than your ultimate goal or vision. This reduces some of the pressure, and is a valuable technique when you’re struggling to get something done.

In part 2, you’ll learn about why the Law of Reverse Effect functions the way it does and one powerful way to overcome it. Read Overcome the Law of Reversed Effort, Part 2.

Watch the accompanying video, Surmount the Law of Reverse Effect.

Affirmation:

Instead of trying to force things to happen, I step back and allow them to take place. I now let go of all stress and tension. I open up to new ways and new ideas of doing things. By doing so, I allow the Universal flow of good to expand in my life. I’m guided by the Divine life within me to make the decisions and take the actions that benefit me the most.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

What False Ideas Do You Believe?”

What False Ideas Do You Believe?”

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Thoughts

A client came to me with very low self-esteem. In our consultation, she stated that her parents had told her that she was “worthless,” she’d “never amount to anything,” and they “wished she’d never been born.” She wondered why she’d sabotaged her professional career, tried to avoid attention that could further her career, and had trouble with relationships. The trouble was that her subconscious had accepted her parents’ edicts as fact, and was following its programming.

No matter what she tried to accomplish, her subconscious was acting on false information about her as if it were true. It viewed everything about her through the incorrect lens of those ideas. If she began to succeed, it said, “No, you can’t. If you do, you’ll violate the beliefs of worthlessness that your parents taught you.”

When she tried to assert herself, her subconscious held her back with fear, because she’d disagree with what she’d been told about herself. She attracted friends and lovers who echoed her parents’ ideas, putting her down and belittling her. All of this was her subconscious mind manifesting her belief, or lack thereof, of her self-worth, and making sure that she stayed within the boundaries of its information.

Ideas Your Subconscious Mind Accepts

The subconscious mind will act on an inaccurate concept as if it were true. If you’ve accepted an idea that you can’t lose weight (stop smoking, make money, succeed, can’t paint or anything else), then your subconscious will make sure that the belief gets justified. These may be attitudes that were handed to you by parents, teachers, friends, family, or society and because of the emotional impact, you soaked them up like a sponge. From then on, the subconscious will view everything in your life through these attitudes and make sure that they’re confirmed. It’ll attract situations that will verify your beliefs.

Even if there’s an experience that could change your mind, because of the programming, your subconscious will only accept the information that would validate your preconceived notions. For example, Jo might receive a compliment from the boss on her work. But because she doesn’t believe she’s that capable, she’ll ignore it, telling herself that the boss just said that to make her feel good.

Your Beliefs Can Change

The good news is that these false concepts can be changed. It takes persistence and consistency, but by using affirmations or self-hypnosis, you can change the incorrect facts. The first step is to recognize what erroneous ideas you’re acting on in the present.  Where are they holding you back? Without identifying the problem, you can’t move to the solution.

Examine the thoughts that come into your mind when you’re about to succeed at whatever goal you have. If they’re negative thoughts about you or your goal, those are the incorrect assumptions you’ve been acting on. Then create a positive statement that counters the negative one. This is your affirmation that you use whenever you think of your goal. You can also use it in self-hypnosis when your subconscious is more receptive.

My client and I worked to improve her self-esteem, convincing her subconscious that her parents were incorrect in their assessment of her. They’d done the best they could with their background, but that they were wrong when they’d said those things to her. She began to do things that were more self-affirming, and soon had a promotion at work. It took some time, because the programming had been there a long while, but soon she attracted new friends who appreciated her. And as her opinion of herself improved, so did her entire life.

Affirmation:

Any thoughts that have restricted my good are false ideas that my subconscious has accepted. They are counter to what the Universe wants for me. I accepted those false concepts before I knew any better. My subconscious mind knows that I no longer need or want them. I release them and now create new ideas that are more in alignment with the good that the Universe holds for me.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

What Stories Are You Telling Yourself That Are Holding You Back?

What Stories Are You Telling Yourself That Are Holding You Back?

by Linda-Ann Stewart

When Tammy was very young, her mother had a good friend with several children Tammy’s age and younger. When the lady would come to visit, her brood would come with her. They’d bully Tammy, play with her toys, destroy them and steal from her. When Tammy objected, the lady said that she had no right to complain, because Tammy had advantages that her children didn’t have.

This idea was reinforced several times during Tammy’s childhood. If Tammy excelled, there was often a teacher or adult who told her that she was making others, who hadn’t done as well, feel bad. As a result, the story she told herself was that if she made herself small and invisible, others would feel better.

Did it work? No. They never felt better. Tammy has worked her entire life to overcome the story that her achievements harmed others. That story derailed her in many areas of her life.

What Are Your False Stories?

Unfortunately, many times, opinions that we received from adults when we’re kids build into self-sabotaging beliefs. What false stories are you telling yourself that are holding you back? They may be ideas that an adult or friend told you when you were a child.

The ideas may not have been malicious, but simply to deal with an unfortunate or uncomfortable situation for them. And although you were never meant to take those ideas to heart, they might have impressed you deeply. Then, you created a whole false impression about yourself based on them.

Think about some of the beliefs you hold about yourself and your world that have been undermining you. Ask yourself:

  • “Where does that belief come from?”
  • “What was the intention of the person who gave it to me?”
  • “Is it actually true?”
  • “Does that belief serve a purpose now?” 
  • “If so, what?”
  • “What can I do to change it?”

Update Your Stories

When Tammy finally realized how those adults had impacted her, one way she began to dismantle the story was to ask herself, “What kind of adult says those things to a child?” That helped her realize that the adults were being unreasonable and cruel to her. The adults were trying to protect their kids, or other children, at her expense.

When you’re able to realize your self-sabotaging beliefs were often based on someone else’s frustration,  inadequacy, or convenience, you can begin to deconstruct them. They don’t benefit you now, or reflect who you are. It’s time to dispose of them, and begin creating stories that reflect who you truly are. Develop beliefs and stories about yourself based on reality, your strengths, values and abilities, and that support your goals and aspirations.

Affirmation:

I deserve to be myself. I give myself permission let go of old, false and outdated ideas that I once accepted about myself. They never reflected who I was. The Universe loves and approves of me as I am. I now accept myself, right here and right now, knowing that who I am is enough. It is safe for me to be true to myself.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

Focusing Beyond The Problem

Focusing Beyond The Problem

by Linda-Ann Stewart

There’s a secret to a martial artist breaking a board, brick or any other solid object with his hand (or foot or head). He aims his force, not on the target, but a foot beyond it. If he focused his energy on the surface of the board, the object would abruptly and painfully stop his hand. Instead, he imagines his hand going through the wood to the space behind it, where he wants the energy to dissipate.

The same thing is true when we have a problem we’re trying to solve or eliminate from our lives. If we focus on the challenge, we’re concentrating on the surface issue, and our subconscious simply creates more of it. The solution can’t appear as long as the condition fills our consciousness. When we affirm about a solution appearing, but feel frustrated, upset or concerned about the situation, or think about the problem in any way, then our belief in the challenge stops any resolution from manifesting. Just like the board stopping the martial artist’s hand. We’re focused on the surface and not seeing through it to the possibility of a solution.

There’s Always an Answer

In every problem, there is always an answer available. When we’re affirming things to change, however, we may be trying to control how the situation resolves. We may not like the remedy the Universe has for us. Instead of a troublesome coworker changing their attitude, we may have to change jobs. Or we may have to alter our attitude to be more tolerant. Other priorities may make what we believe to be our answer obsolete. We may want more abundance, and try to increase our income at our present job, only to find that we’re unexpectedly moving to another location.

If we’re still stuck in the problem, one of the best ways to get a way to appear is to do what Emmet Fox called “The Golden Key.” Remember that God, and all Its goodness, is always at the center of every situation, no matter how negative. Turn the attention from the problem to the Universe and all of Its qualities. Meditate on and affirm harmony, abundance, joy, health, etc. in all areas of life. Remember that God is everywhere present, knowing and seeing all, has infinite power and authority, is perfect action and divine order.

Change Your Perspective

These are the ideas we want to fill our minds with when we feel blocked. In so doing, we’re getting our limited perception of the situation out of the way. We’re taking our attention from the problem to the perspective of the Universe, where the difficulty doesn’t exist. This begins to uplift our consciousness to allow more creative solutions to flow.

Frederick Bailes says in “Hidden Power for Human Problems” that we “…need to be well schooled in the art of looking through the frightening condition rather than at it.” Just like the martial artist aims his energy beyond the board, we need to focus our attention past the problem to the potential of a solution. Only in this way will we be able to break through our blocks and challenges and experience a greater and better life.

Affirmation:

I am one with the Universal Spirit, which is God. All the good of God flows in and through me and my affairs. I know that there is a perfect answer for my situation. God and all Its goodness is everywhere present, including the center of the challenge. I am open to whatever solution is for my Highest and Best good, no matter what changes it might require.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

Complaining Trains You to Be Negative, Part 2

Complaining Trains You to Be Negative, Part 2

by Linda-Ann Stewart

cup says 'choose happy'

In part 1, you learned that complaining harms your brain and body, but you can undo the damage. By taking control of your thoughts and refocusing, you can reprogram your subconscious to be more positive. You free up mental circuits to be more creative and seek solutions.

Reverse the Tendency to Complain

Within a few weeks of not complaining, you’ll notice a difference. You’ll have a more positive outlook, and have grown new neurons that support calm and peace of mind.  The Law of Attraction will respond by bringing you the dominant ideas you’re now focusing on.  

Here are some ways that will help you refrain from complaining and build a stronger, healthier, mindset.

  • As soon as there’s a problem, acknowledge it and how you feel about it. Then, deliberately choose to look for a solution. You may not find one immediately, but your subconscious doesn’t like to leave a question unanswered. It will continue to work on it until it finds an answer. 
  • If a solution doesn’t come quickly, move on to ask yourself, “What can I do to change my perspective on the situation?” It’s said that “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Changing your viewpoint opens you up to ideas and opportunities that would have been invisible to you otherwise.
  • You could ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” As an alternative, you could even ask your subconscious to find some good to come from the situation. Your subconscious is a problem solver, and will seek ways to make lemons into lemonade. Leave it up to the Universe to find the good. This has always been my favorite response for any difficult situation. It’s amazing how effective this tactic has been.

Being mindful takes more effort, but can reverse the tendency to complain and the damage it causes. You’ll build stronger mental connections to be positive, and this ultimately brings you a healthier, happier, more successful, life.

Affirmation:

Whenever I have a problem, I focus on finding a solution. The Universe inspires me with ideas of what I can do to resolve the situation. I keep my mind open to unexpected opportunities as I step back to be objective. I don’t know how, but the Universe finds a way for something good to come to me as a result of this situation.

Watch the accompanying video, Break the Habit of Complaining.

Read Complaining Trains You to Be Negative, Part 1.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

Complaining Trains You to Be Negative, Part 1

Complaining Trains You to Be Negative, Part 1

by Linda-Ann Stewart

cup says 'choose happy'

Venting about a problem is a normal human reaction. When something goes wrong, you acknowledge it, and express your dissatisfaction and frustration. After you grumble, you generally deal with it, look for a solution and move on.

The Problem with Complaining

But if you begin to dwell on the problem, you make the switch to a complaining mindset. Every time you gripe to someone about the situation, your mind is replaying it in your imagination. And your mind can’t tell the difference between your imagination and reality. To your mind and body, the problem is happening in real time all over again. The repetition affects you as much as the situation did originally.

Chronic complaining stresses and damages your physical and mental health. It affects your mood, encourages helplessness, impacts memory, reduces problem solving, weakens your immune system, raises your blood pressure, and much more. It also closes off your connection to the Universe. You wouldn’t think that complaining would cause so much harm. But it does.

Complaining Trains Your Brain

And complaining doesn’t just affect your physical health. In neuroscience, it’s said that, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” Which means that the more you complain, the more neurons you’re creating to notice problems and feel helpless. You’re training your subconscious to be negative and look for fault everywhere.

And the more negative you are, the easier it is for you to be negative overall. Where your attention goes, energy flows. It’s a cycle that spirals downward. Complaining also directs the Law of Attraction to find more for you to complain about. Even being around other complainers can hurt you and lure you into modeling them.

But there is good news. You can use the same process to rewire your brain to be more positive.

Affirmation:

Complaining doesn’t help the situation, and only makes things worse. I now use my mind and attention in a more productive way. I protect my mental health by minimizing my time and shielding myself around negative people. The Universe guides and directs me to solutions, actions, or in any decisions I need to make. I shift my focus from what’s wrong to looking for what is going well.

Watch the accompanying video, How to Undo a Complaining Mindset.

In Part 2, you’ll learn some tips on how to stop complaining and reverse the damage that it causes. Read Part 2 of Complaining Trains You to Be Negative.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html

Complaining: The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

Complaining: The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Thoughts

In January, Cookie was vacationing in Miami Beach. She sat on a bench while she waited for her daughter to complete a purchase. A couple of well-dressed elderly ladies with shopping bags sat beside her. They began complaining about the weather (which was lovely), the crowds (light), the prices (everything was on sale), and so forth. Cookie was put off by their negativity until they swiveled and flashed big smiles at her. She realized that they’d simply been playing a social game with each other to connect.

Complaining: The Good

Complaining has a long history and can have some benefits. For instance, taking a break at the water cooler and bemoaning the new regulations can be validating. It lets you know that everyone’s in the same boat and creates camaraderie. When Sally grumbles about how much work she has, it’s a way of getting attention. She does this to let people know that she’s overwhelmed or to get appreciation.

Or Jacquie grouses to her best friend about her husband’s untidy work bench, knowing that he won’t change it. But venting about it to someone she trusts saves conflict in her marriage. Jeff complained that the photographic printer paper he ordered was wrinkled. The vendor sent him a coupon that was worth more than the paper.

Social interaction, connection, acknowledgement, release, finding solutions are beneficial uses of complaining. They are time or situation limited and serve a purpose. Also, there’s a difference between complaining, identifying a problem and observation. Noticing that a light has burned out and asking it to be replaced isn’t a complaint. Or saying that it’s raining and you got wet walking in from your car is simply a statement of fact.

Complaining: The Bad

However, when complaining descends to a gripe-fest, then it can become counterproductive. Even a positive person can get sucked into one of these. For example, Josie attended a luncheon, and everyone started finding fault about something in their lives. It began innocently, with one grumbling about her mother-in-law, another about her own mother, and then it snowballed into a competition.

Each person tried to upstage the other in how bad things were in their lives. No one won and everyone felt dissatisfied with their lives when it was over. They didn’t want to repeat the experience so avoided the next lunch. This is when complaining starts becoming destructive. Most people are repelled by this kind of negativity. It feeds into a sense of helplessness and victimhood and serves no purpose.

It also triggers the stress response. The mind perceives the situation as a threat and signals the body to prepare for danger. The body then wastes energy braced for a problem that doesn’t exist. Not only is this unhealthy, but it shuts off the mind’s ability to find any solutions. Creativity, innovation and resourcefulness close down as the mind just tries to make sure the body survives.

Complaining: The Ugly

And then there’s Carrie, who’s a serial complainer. This is the most toxic kind of complaining. She calls a friend to whine about everything from the weather to how her mother told her to get a job. When she runs out of grievances, she starts over and goes through her litany four more times before she hangs up. She rejects any suggested solutions, and refuses to shift her attention to something else. Her friend feels like she’s been run over by a truck by the time the call ends. Carrie is firmly entrenched in her victimhood and doesn’t want to give it up.

Even if you aren’t a habitual complainer, like Carrie, you may gripe more than is best for you. When you focus on the problem, you won’t be able to access your ability to find a solution. All you’re doing is reinforcing the problem, and perpetuating it. Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” You’ll have to shift your attention to be open to solutions before you’ll find them.

How to Change Your Attitude

Learn to identify what kind of complaining you’re indulging in, the good, bad or ugly. Become aware of what your purpose is for complaining. Do you want to connect with others, gain acknowledgement, find a solution, or something else? Is the result going to be empowering and constructive? If so, decide how you can best grumble and then move on.

However, if you just want to grouse because you’re dissatisfied with your life, it won’t bring you anything better. You’ll dig yourself a deeper hole and find more to carp about. In this case, it would be a better choice to refrain from complaining. Constructive complaining, or avoiding it completely, is more likely to get you what you want and offer more options to make positive changes in your life.

Affirmation:

Complaining focuses on the negative. When it can help remedy a situation, it can be constructive. I now become conscious of when I complain, and recognize my intention in doing so. When it isn’t constructive, I choose to let it go and focus on the positive. This is more empowering for me.  

Watch the accompanying video, Take a Break from Complaining.

As a focus mentor, hypnotherapist, and writer, Linda-Ann Stewart motivates women entrepreneurs and small business owners to focus and transform their business through deliberate actions that break through distraction and overwhelm to greater success, wellbeing and prosperity.To boost productivity and reduce overwhelm, register for her FREE guide, Design Your Best Day, at https://www.Linda-AnnStewart.com/guide.html