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“5 Keys To Forgiveness, Part 1”

“5 Keys To Forgiveness, Part 1”

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Wounds caused by what loved ones, friends, colleagues and employers say and do can affect you at a deep level. However, hanging onto the hurt can harm you even more. Not only is it bad for your mental, emotional and physical health, but also it can draw more distress into your life.

Unforgiveness poisons your mind, body and affairs. Healing traditions from religion to psychotherapy to 12-Step programs agree that forgiveness of self and others needs to occur before you can have peace of mind.

Forgiveness is a powerful process that will give you greater understanding of yourself. It will also free more of your energy and access to your power. But forgiveness of these deep wounds shouldn’t be done lightly; otherwise, you’re just covering up the hurt.

For true healing, you need to acknowledge what happened, how it affected you and discover what you can learn from it. Any true forgiveness changes you at a deep level. It clears a path for the Law of Attraction to flow smoothly, to draw what you want into your life.

To work towards forgiveness, apply these five points when someone has hurt or offended you.

1. Identify the injury. This doesn’t mean relating what actually happened, but what you feel was broken. Before you can actually forgive, you need to understand what you’re forgiving. What principles, beliefs or expectations were violated? Whatever you feel was shattered has to be identified before you can truly forgive.

2. What do you feel about the offense. What did the injury mean to you? Journaling about how it made you feel can help you understand it better and reprocess the experience. Most people experience anger as a result of some wound. If you hold onto anger, you’re doing so to try to protect yourself and keep the event from happening again.

3. Mourn what has been lost or changed. You may feel a loss of belief in another person, in fairness, or safety. Grieving over the loss in necessary and appropriate. Your life has changed irrevocably. The relationship with the other person has also altered. But you will emerge stronger from this process.

4. Uncover the lesson for you. You could decide that no one is trustworthy, but is that belief going to be useful for you? That’s not necessarily the best lesson from what happened. You can decide what message you want to take from the event. What do you want to believe that will help you in the future? Wouldn’t a more reasonable belief be that some people can’t be trusted, and to be more vigilant for red flags in the future? By doing this step, you’re reprocessing how you fit into life and adjusting your beliefs to reflect the new you. This can help you learn what values you hold most dear.

5. Choose to forgive the person. You are not pardoning or excusing what happened. In this step, you’re making a choice to let go of any anger towards them. They’re human, with their own faults and character flaws. By accepting them as they are, you recognize that they can’t fill all your needs. The relationship will be different, because you’ll be more self-reliant and aware of their imperfections.

Copyright 2012 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“How to Cope With Liking a Person Who Disrespects You” by wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

“How to Cope With Liking a Person Who Disrespects You” by wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Liking someone who disrespects you presents something that you should take into account when assessing their character, leading you to dismiss liking them outright; on the other hand, whether or not we’re attracted to someone is often not within our control and for some reason, the heart keeps insisting. Indeed, in some cases their rudeness and disrespectful attitude can be attractive in a perverse way because we’re into rescuer or pleaser mode, thinking we can either redeem or change this person for the better.

If you’re in this situation, it can be confusing and hurtful, especially if they continually put you down despite your kind and attentive advances. If so, it’s time to take account of their attitude and give yourself more respect instead of giving them any further leeway to be rude to you. This article will give you tips on how to get over this person by unearthing respect for yourself again.

Steps

  1. Beware the glamor effect. Sometimes it is easy to fall for the role, position or the status that a person represents, rather than the actual person and their true character. This confusion of identity can be hard to untangle if you’re struck by the glamor of what they “do”, but if you don’t try to separate the person from the position, then you might be falling for something that isn’t even real. To elaborate, if this person is in a position of authority, power or respect in something that interests you or matters a great deal to you, whether it’s a work, hobby, club or sports role, you might have confused the role or position of the person with who they really are. This is a common misunderstanding in a world where we overvalue what people “do” instead of who people are by way of their “character”.
    • For example, Jenna’s got a crush on Gary. He is the top debater for the year and has an incredible way with words, which is something she wishes she had the courage to stand up and do too––indeed, hearing his delivery just causes her to melt inside. He is also the President of the debating society and has a lot of influence within the English faculty. He seems to have endless people surrounding him wanting a piece of his time. Jenna especially wants to be a debater and to be noticed for her word skills too. She knows Gary is not very nice to her and has even outright insulted her on a number of occasions but she thinks this is almost charming because it’s a sign he’s clever, witty and one day, may come to realize that she’s good with words too. Jenna is sorely mistaken––she loves what Gary stands for, not the prig that Gary actually is.
    • George is falling deeply for his boss. She is smart, clever, sassy and there is constant talk that management is so impressed with her that she’s slated for promotion to a top role shortly. Yet, she is always snarky and cutting in remarks she makes to George and insists that he redo his work constantly, even though George has always been a top performer and other people recognize that he has excellent work outcomes. Yet, George is ready to put his own work down because he thinks that his boss is smarter than him and that if he does as she asks, she’ll come to realize that he’s special and will agree to go out with him. As with Jenna, George is sadly mistaken––he is struck by the glamor of his boss’s role and the accolades she gets and downplays her rudeness to him in the hope she’ll change. She won’t change and he’ll just keep on putting himself down.
  2. Find your own place of self respect. Continuing to like someone who disrespects you will often be grounded in your own insecurities and lack of self-respect. In some ways, you may see this insulting and rude crush as someone who could fill what you perceive as the empty spaces inside of you. In reality though, nobody can complete you; only you can complete you and if you have low self-esteem, low self-respect and a ton of insecurities, then you’ll need to focus on yourself and your own needs rather than continuing to chase after someone who knows how to zero in on your weaknesses and turn the knife. Be prepared to stop putting yourself through this and start improving your own sense of self worth instead. Remind yourself that no person who insults you or puts you down deserves to form a part of your life.

  3. Don’t over-analyze their behavior. Likely they’re the way they are because of 1001 reasons, from their own insecurities through to attention-seeking. However, ultimately you should reach a point of saying to yourself “who cares”? You’re not their guardian angel, you’re not their health professional and you’re not their personal trainer. If they have problems, you are not there to save or change them and you risk making up reasons to excuse their behavior if you over-analyze what impels them to behave in a certain way. If the way they behave toward you is getting you down and is hurtful, that should be enough of an alert for you to start extricating yourself from your one-sided crush on them.
  4. Realize that you will have to get over this person. A healthy relationship between two people is not possible if one lacks respect for the other. While this is the hardest part of the process, it’s the most essential part. If you’re unwilling to put your feelings for this person behind you, then you’ll continue to long after this person and not put your own needs and respect first.

  5. Focus on why you should dislike this person’s attitude toward you rather than on why you like them. Once they have shown a disrespectful attitude towards you on several occasions, this should be sufficient warning to you that they’re not going to stop and that their view of you is always going to be unfriendly and unkind. If you keep excusing their behavior or treating their attitude as something other than what it is, you continue to let their rudeness and disrespect occur and allow them to get away with atrocious behavior toward you. Ask yourself how they’re putting you down or insulting you. For example: Does this person embarrass you in public? Tease you relentlessly? Annoy you to no end? Throw barbs your way, especially when others are there to hear them? Mock you? Knowing why you should not desire to be linked with this person romantically or otherwise is an essential part of getting over a misplaced crush.

  6. Protect yourself by disengaging. Possibly you’ve been putting yourself into a position of being in their presence as often as possible, enduring their rudeness and insults for the sake of spending time near them, just to be in their presence. Whatever your current behavior toward them, it must end––for your sake. It is suggested that you pull away from this person completely and start pulling yourself together instead. Here is what to do next:
    • Do not speak to this person. They clearly do not deserve your attention.
    • If you have their phone number in your contacts, their e-mail in your address list, or their profile on a social networking site, delete every source of contact and connection. (You can even go as far as blocking them.) This will let the person know that you will not accept their past actions and won’t put up with any future rudeness.
    • If the person attempts to talk you, do not respond. Simply walk away. If saying nothing feels too rude to you (after all, you don’t want to dip to their level), simply say one polite thing to excuse yourself and then leave.
    • If you have no choice but to talk to them (such as at work), be perfunctory and say only what needs to be said, all in a professional tone and manner. Consider keeping a record of any insults relating to you personally or your work performance, to raise with your boss or someone else. Turn this type of situation right around in your mind from being a tolerable crush to being an intolerable harasser.
  7. Stop talking about this person to anyone else. Do not gossip or insult them behind their back. That is simply playing their game and failing to strengthen your own self-respect and character. When someone asks you what happened between the two of you, say something along the lines of “I was tired of dealing with him/her.” Or simply say that both of you agreed to disagree and that you’re not interacting much these days. Ultimately, it really isn’t anybody else’s business, so you’re free to say “Why do you want to know? It’s not something I care to discuss.”

  8. Get support from family and genuine friends or even from colleagues or team members you know you can trust. Cutting someone off hurts, especially if you’ve been fantasizing about their potential future role in your life and you’ve been expending endless energies trying to get them to come around to seeing you in a better light. You may still have some feelings for them afterward and that’s natural but it’s not a reason to fall back into old patterns of behavior. Arrange a gathering for a few friends in order to get your mind off this person, spend time hanging out with people who see and acknowledge the good in you and be with people who are supportive of you, whether you’re a success or not at any endeavor. Let yourself feel what it’s like to be around people who respect you and don’t give you grief.

  9. Get on with your life in a more positive and self-thoughtful manner. Be mindful in future of how you’ll interact with the people who cross your path and don’t allow your heart to run away with crazy ideas of saving or redeeming anyone. People will only change who they are of their own volition. Moreover, fantasizing that someone will come around and see the “real you” means that the “real you” isn’t shining forth enough to begin with and spending time polishing the “real you” should now be your current focus. We attract and are attracted to like people, so sometimes we are attracted to a person who reveals something we’ve disowned inside of ourselves. It’s important to learn from the fact that you’ve been attracted to someone deeply negative because it says a lot about how you feel about yourself inside. You do deserve more and you need to remind yourself of this constantly until it becomes second nature, as well as working on those aspects of yourself that you need to nurture with greater kindness.
    • Stand tall and have confidence in yourself. You will attract like-minded people who share your positivity and who appreciate your strengths and personality when you choose this path. It may seem hard now but this is the only genuine way of attracting a person who sees the “real you”––by being a person who is unafraid to express yourself and to expect respect back from others.
    • Read How to stand up for yourself for more ideas.

Tips

  • A person who disrespects you doesn’t “need” you in any form or shape. They may lap up the attention you continue lavishing on them but it won’t change their attitude any. If anything, the constant attention in spite of insults and disrespect simply reinforces for the other person that they can treat you like a doormat, regardless of your feelings and humanity. Be done with such a person, no matter what your heart tells you.
  • As part of your letting go process, try calling out this person for their comment or behavior and see what happens. Call them on their bad attitude for a change. It’s likely they’ll be surprised that you have done so and very defensive about the comments. They may even confront you about your own behavior, providing you with an opportunity to express that you regret having not stood up earlier to the insults and bad attitude but that you’ve found your spine since and you’re doing it now. Avoid attacking them as a person, just point out factual occasions on which they’ve said things that were hurtful.
  • Act as if you never knew this person. Your life will go on and their comeuppance will happen somewhere along the line. Even if they don’t get any karma reverberation, it doesn’t matter because the focus is on being the best person you can be, not on what happens to them.

Warnings

  • Do not continue any contact with this person, even if they call you saying how “sorry” they are and how it “will never happen again.” This is almost always a method to suck you back in.
  • If this person threatens or stalks you, report it to your local authorities right away.

Related wikiHows

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“Be Who You Were Meant To Be, Part 2”

“Be Who You Were Meant To Be, Part 2”

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Some of the reasons we hang onto low self-worth include:

1. Fear of responsibility. If we have greater self-worth, we have higher expectations of ourselves. This can develop into more responsibility that, right now, we’re not certain we could handle. We’d have to make decisions and take actions that we’re uncomfortable with. It’s so much easier to stay in our comfort zone and let others make choices for us.

2. Old programming. As children, we were told over and over again that we weren’t worthwhile. This conditioning is still operative and keeps us in its grip. We learned to be helpless and keep our abilities hidden. It’s become a habit that is so engrained that we don’t even notice it anymore. And we reinforce it every time we choose to avoid our power.

3. Conflicts with programming. When we start to break out of old beliefs, we start to feel uncomfortable. This is simply the subconscious mind trying to keep us in our comfort zone. The subconscious wants to keep us safe, and will resist efforts to change if its not convinced that it’s okay now.

4. Fear of the ego. So many people fear that their ego will get too big if they think well of themselves. Oddly enough, the ego is already involved if we’re trying to play small. We’re too worried about how we appear to others. The ego only gets out of hand when we falsely believe that we’re the center of the universe. That’s exactly the opposite of what happens when we’re being authentic.

5. Afraid of offending others. Having self-worth can only displease those who want to control us. They want us to live our life their way. We can’t please everyone. Pleasing ourselves doesn’t mean that we step on anyone else’s rights. But we are entitled to our choices, opinions and to fulfilling our talents.

6. Fear of others’ jealousy. If others are envious of us, it’s because they have low self-esteem. They’re fearful that they can’t do as well as we can. People who want others to feel as inadequate as they do will do anything to discourage our positive outlook. We can’t do anything about them. Our purpose is to be the best person we can be. Letting them hold us back encourages them to inhibit everyone’s progress.

It all comes down to fear. Both fear of what will happen when we step out of our comfort zone and fear of what other people will think. Restricting our potential doesn’t serve anyone, least of all ourselves. It keeps us helpless and permits others to control our feelings and behaviors.

We have to decide which is more important: to stay safe and continue to feel inadequate, or recognize our worth and be empowered. Marianne Williamson, author and spiritual leader, says, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure about you.” Being authentic and accepting our greatness not only benefits us, it allows us to be a role model for others.

Affirmation:

I’m an expression of the Universe, and It wants me to authentically represent myself. Any fear that’s holding me back is a false idea that I release because it no longer has any benefit to me. I now claim my power and accept my true worth. I have the courage to live my life according to my values. My true purpose is to be the best person I can be and serve the world in a much greater way.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Be Who You Were Meant To Be, Part 1”

“Be Who You Were Meant To Be, Part 1”

by Linda-Ann Stewart

When I was in the twelfth grade, my English teacher asked us to raise our hands if we liked ourselves. No one dared to because we knew we’d be harassed by our classmates for thinking too highly of ourselves. When no one responded, she then berated us by saying, “That just shows that you have low self-esteem.”

If any of us did like ourselves, we caved into the fear of our fellow classmates’ persecution. We wanted to be accepted and fit in, but we sacrificed our courage and authenticity to do so.

Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence, even as we become adults and go through life. We avoid being genuine to gain others’ approval. Watch how a co-worker or friend accepts a compliment. Do they graciously say “Thank you” or do they brush it off? Whichever way they accept it shows how high or low their self-esteem is.

There can be a purpose for holding onto low self-esteem. In the case of my twelfth grade class, it was to avoid being hassled. The intent was to protect ourselves. Before we can raise our self-concept, we have to address the reasons around why we resist being authentic.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Be Courageous And Let Your Light Shine

Be Courageous And Let Your Light Shine

We fear being authentic and letting our light shine. But staying safe that way has consequences for ourselves and others that blocks what we truly want to do. Discover how those fears affect our personal and professional lives.



Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Book Review – “Beyond Positive Thinking”

Book Review – “Beyond Positive Thinking”

“Beyond Positive Thinking: A No-Nonsense Formula For Getting The Results You Want”
by Dr. Robert Anthony

This book is a step-by-step process for “right thinking” rather than “positive thinking.” It doesn’t pull any punches regarding why you do the things you do that sabotage your goals. And it specifically tells you what to do about them, so you can achieve your dreams.

This is a users manual for the Law of Attraction. Beginning with the basics of self-esteem, it dives deeply into all the aspects of what could block you from your desires. It addresses the obstacles you encounter and suggests solutions for them.

This is one of the best books I’ve found that explains how to go about creating the life you want. It doesn’t just give you steps to follow, but instructs you on strategies and time-tested techniques. It explains how to use affirmations, intentions, visualization and more.

It’s written in a very clear and understandable manner, directly addressing what to do and why. It’s tightly packed with information, explanations and exercises to change your thoughts and reframe your beliefs.

You’ll need to read this book over and over again, because you won’t be able to absorb all of it in a single reading. If you want to change your mind to change your life, read this book.

~ Linda-Ann

“Cleanse Your Mind Of Resentment, Part 2”

“Cleanse Your Mind Of Resentment, Part 2”

by Linda-Ann Stewart

You may hang onto resentment because you feel it protects you. It reminds you not to trust the person who hurt you or go back to the company that treated you unjustly. But you can learn that lesson, and avoid falling into that trap again, without it costing you.

There are definite consequences to holding onto grievances. Mark experienced all of these.

  • It makes you unpleasant to be around. People like to be around those who are positive, upbeat and cheerful. That does not describe someone with a grudge. The people you attract are going to be resentful and disgruntled like you.
  • It gives you an excuse for failing or committing yourself to your progress. Resentment can cause you to feel that nothing you do will make a difference. It sabotages your success and undermines your goals.
  • Holding a grudge siphons off enormous amounts of energy that could be channeled into accomplishment. It’s debilitating on every level.
  • It actually hands the control of your emotions and decisions over to others. You give them the power over whether you move forward or sit and stew.

When you’re resentful, it tells your subconscious that you want to have more to resent. Also, what you wish for others, your subconscious accepts as a wish for yourself. It’s the Law of Attraction. You attract what you focus on. Resentment is the biggest obstacle to achieving your desires and having more good in your life.

The opposite of hate or resentment isn’t love or approval. The solution to resentment is apathy. You don’t have to pardon the offense, just put it in the past. When you cease resenting others, you don’t care what they do or think. You’ve successfully detached yourself from them and the situation. It no longer affects you in any way. You’ve freed yourself and taken back your power. And this opens the way for success and a happy life.

Affirmation:

I now break the chains of resentment that have restricted my success and progress. Grudges no longer need to remind me to avoid toxic people and situations. I’ve learned my lesson and am able to successfully take care of my well-being in a constructive way. When I let go of past grievances, I reclaim my self-esteem and power. I now channel my energy into accomplishing my desires. Because I’m more upbeat, I attract more positive people and open the way for success.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Cleanse Your Mind Of Resentment, Part 1”

“Cleanse Your Mind Of Resentment, Part 1”

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Mark was a simmering pool of resentment. Anything said to him he perceived as a slight. He felt that the whole world was given advantages denied to him, and that he couldn’t get ahead. No one wanted to be around his negativity, so his belief was a self-fulfilling prophecy affecting his personal and professional life.

Anger generally signals that some value or boundary has been violated and occurs during a single event. If anger prompts positive action or a decision to change, it can actually be beneficial. It can motivate you to stop smoking, eliminate a negative friend, or work for social change.

However, if there isn’t a resolution, release or plan to address the cause, then anger can curdle into the toxic emotion of resentment. When you hold a grudge or want revenge, resentment has gotten hold of you. It poisons your whole perspective and continually restresses you. This destructive emotion can become a habit and cause you to view yourself as a victim.

There are different types of resentment.

  • Do you feel someone has wronged you or treated you badly? If so, you’re simply rehearsing something that has already happened. Even if it’s warranted, resentment won’t change the past. But it will erode your self-image and sense of empowerment.
  • Do you begrudge people who have something you don’t? “Whatever you resent is a statement of what you lack,” says Robert Anthony. It’s common to resent co-workers who have been promoted, or a public figure who has fame or fortune. By resenting them, you’re indirectly telling yourself that you can’t have what they do.
  • Are you upset at having to give up a lifestyle or habit that has been pleasurable? Most smokers resent that they have to quit smoking even though it’s self-destructive. They also don’t like it when others pressure them to take that action. Unfortunately, their very resistance undermines their success.

Resentment doesn’t affect the person it’s aimed at. The only one it harms is you; your health and mental well-being. They’ll probably never even know how you feel and might not even care if they did. So it’s not even fulfilling a productive function.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Life Is A Metaphor, Part 2”

“Life Is A Metaphor, Part 2”

by Linda-Ann Stewart

There’s an old saying, “What you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.” We can’t hide from ourselves. It’s painted on the canvas of our lives. All we have to do is be aware.

  • Are you eating until you’re stuffed? What else are you stuffing? Hint: Generally it’s an emotion.
  • Does your house look nice and neat and tidy, but your drawers and closets can’t be opened for the mess? You haven’t assessed the outdated stuff of your life and released what’s no longer helpful.
  • Do people treat you like a doormat? That’s because you treat yourself that way by not standing up for yourself.
  • Are you working so hard, doing so much, that you don’t have time for that hobby you love? It’s because you haven’t made time for the hobby that you have so little free time.

Whatever your issue, look at how it’s outpicturing in your life. You’ll be able to recognize it in several areas, because it won’t just be reflecting in an isolated spot of your canvas.  It’ll be reflecting in your entire environment.

Our outer experience is simply a metaphor for the thought energy that’s in our minds. For instance, I have raced ahead so fast, that I haven’t processed much of the information that I’ve accumulated. Not only in my business, but also in my life. My piles were old, outdated information that either needed to be tossed away or filed.

I’d procrastinated filing anything because it was so hard to fit anymore into the crammed drawers of my file cabinets. Recently, I expanded my file drawers. Another metaphor. I’d needed to expand my vision. Now, I need to take the time to finish going through my stuff before I go any further. When I do it in one area, it’ll begin happening in the other areas as well. Only then will I begin to break free of my old restrictions and really accept more of Life.

Copyright 2000, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Life Is A Metaphor, Part 1”

“Life Is A Metaphor, Part 1”

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Some time ago, I went through some piles on my desk. I’d been feeling hemmed in, overwhelmed, frustrated by them. I hadn’t had time for months to take care of them, and finally it got to a breaking point. I didn’t have room to work on my desk, and I couldn’t find things I needed.

Stymied, restricted, overwhelmed  Recently, this had been the way I’d been feeling about life and my work. And here it was staring me in the face. I’d been manifesting my feelings in my work area.

Life is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Since I hadn’t cleared away those piles, I’d blocked myself from moving forward. My own tendency not to file old mail and magazines had resulted in life not flowing easily for me. I’d been building a new business so fast, that I hadn’t taken the time to clear away the debris. And it was beginning to obstruct access to the new structure.

We all do this. However we act towards ourselves, comes back at us from our world. Life is simply a mirror for us. All we have to do is look at where we’re uncomfortable in our outer lives, and we can see where we’re uncomfortable within our own minds and hearts.

Copyright 2000, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved