Browsed by
Tag: personal growth

Book Review – “Beyond Postive Thinking”

Book Review – “Beyond Postive Thinking”

“Beyond Positive Thinking:
A No-Nonsense Formula For Getting The Results You Want”
by Dr. Robert Anthony

This book a step-by-step process for “right thinking” rather than “positive thinking.” It doesn’t pull any punches regarding why you do the things you do that sabotage your goals. And it specifically tells you want to do about them, so you can achieve your dreams.

This is a users manual for the Law of Attraction. Beginning with the basics of self-esteem, it dives deeply into all the aspects of what could block you from your desires. It addresses the obstacles you encounter and suggests solutions for them.

This is one of the best books I’ve found that explains how to go about creating the life you want. It doesn’t just give you steps to follow, but instructs you on strategies and time-tested techniques. He explains how to use affirmations, intentions, visualization and more.

It’s written in a very clear and understandable manner, directly addressing what to do and why. It’s tightly packed with information, explanations and exercises to change your thoughts and reframe your beliefs.

You’ll need to read this book over and over again, because you won’t be able to absorb all of it in a single reading. If you want to change your mind to change your life, read this book.

“Love Enough To Let Others Heal” Part 2

“Love Enough To Let Others Heal” Part 2

by Linda-Ann Stewart

I know I’m not alone in the struggle between loving others unconditionally and loving myself. Many of the people I meet, and my clients, struggle with this, too. How can we balance our spirituality with insisting someone treat us with honor?

With God as a loving Presence, God accepts all that we do without judgment. As we try to emulate that aspect of God, we forget that God doesn’t protect us from the consequences of our actions.

If we step on a rake, we get to experience the rake hitting us in the face. We learn from that to be careful around rakes. God doesn’t stop the rake from hitting us, but if we ask for help in healing our bruised face, God is there to heal us.

That is why there is cause and effect. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is to help us learn from our mistakes.

The core of this is, God doesn’t enable. The Universe is constantly growing and expanding. Unless we do the same, we get prodded along. Cosmic two-by-fours whack us.

When you allow people to put you down, humiliate you, belittle you, then you are contributing to making their inevitable consequences harder for them. Universal laws will eventually pull them up short, and the more they’ve run roughshod over peoples’ lives, the harder their lesson is going to be.

By setting boundaries, you are growing in love. Love of self, and loving the other person enough to put a stop to their breaking Universal Laws of compassion. Love them enough to allow them to experience the consequences of their actions.

That’s the only way any of us learn. In that way, you are emulating high spiritual qualities and reflecting the unconditionally loving Divine Presence within you.

Copyright 2000, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Love Enough To Let Others Heal” Part 1

“Love Enough To Let Others Heal” Part 1

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Over several years, as I grew spiritually, I discovered that letting others hurt me, and excusing them, hurt them as well. My intentions were to make them feel better about themselves. I was trying to reflect the Divinity within me by loving unconditionally.

When my friends would snap at me, I’d tell myself they didn’t mean it, that they were simply unhappy. Returning anger and hatred with love and compassion, I let my friends treat me like dirt because I knew they were wounded.

I wanted them to heal, and thought my loving them unconditionally would initiate the healing. It never did. It just encouraged them to remain wounded and lashing out at me.

In co-dependency terms, this is called “enabling.”  Some time back, when I was told that it wasn’t my role to be their whipping boy, I countered with “But, we’re supposed to turn the other cheek. Give the shirt off our backs. Love unconditionally. Be nonjudgmental.”

As time went on, I finally realized that I wasn’t helping them by letting them hurt me. I was enabling them to remain the same, and continue treating me with disrespect because they knew they could.

I wasn’t creating any urgency for them to heal. And sooner or later, they were going to get a cosmic two-by-four up side the head to force them to begin the healing process. The longer they continued their behavior, the worse their eventual crisis would be.

I was actually contributing to their woundedness by not setting any limits. I needed to value myself enough to stop them devaluing me. As I began to cherish my well being, and counter their humiliations, my life began to improve overall.

Copyright 2000, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Can I do an affirmation on behalf of someone else?”

“Can I do an affirmation on behalf of someone else?”

Question: Can I do an affirmation on behalf of someone else?

Answer: You can affirm on behalf of someone else, as long as that person has asked for the affirmation. If they have not asked for it, you might be interfering with their choices and learning if you affirm something better for them.

I had a friend who affirmed that her husband would refrain from drinking. It worked, he stopped, until she realized that it wasn’t his choice to do so. When she stopped affirming that, he began drinking again. He had other things he needed to learn before he could make the decision himself to stop drinking.

It’s hard when you see someone you love in distress, and you want to help, but they’ve created the situation to learn from. What you can do is affirm for their Highest Good, or when you state a specific affirmation, include a statement such as “if they’re in mental agreement.”

Copyright 2002, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

The 1% Mindset Boost

The 1% Mindset Boost

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Think Positive

Researchers say that between 65% and 80% of what we think is negative or counterproductive. This shouldn’t be surprising, considering all the negative messages we received as children, the unsettling information we get about the state of the world, and the difficulties we have in our fast paced culture.

The subconscious acts on the average of our thoughts. Depending on how much of our thoughts are positive or negative, our lives flow smoothly or we struggle. We feel empowered to make changes or feel helpless. Energy is available for us to be productive or spin our wheels. With the amount of negativity the researchers say we experience, it’s amazing that we’re able to progress at all.

If we could increase the amount of positive thoughts by even 1%, we’d be able to improve our lives. It doesn’t sound like much, but it would be a start and we could then build on that foundation. Here are some ways you can create that 1%.

Economy and politics. Stop listening to the news so much. You can’t do much about it anyway, so why let it pollute your thought field? By taking a more philosophical and objective view of the situation, you can stop it from destroying your peace of mind. One way to do this is to assert that somehow everything is working for the good of the nation and the world. You can do this no matter what your political opinion or stance. It’s not easy, because you’ve probably been emotionally invested with things working out in a particular way. But this is a great practice to detach from needing a specific outcome.

Work and career. You probably can’t just walk out of a difficult work environment right now. But you can change your attitude so you’re not so miserable. It may take some doing, but it can be done. For instance, if your boss is a micromanager, realize it doesn’t reflect on your capabilities. It’s just that your boss has a hard time letting go of control. Stop focusing on what you hate about your job. You know what you dislike, so you don’t have to keep reminding yourself. It doesn’t change it and makes you feel helpless and a victim. So stop hammering your thumb with it. Find one thing a day that you appreciate about your work.

Relationships. Eliminate or minimize your contact with negative people. You can’t change them. When they start to drag you down, excuse yourself and leave the area. Just because you can’t abolish them from your life completely doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to their pessimism. We train people how to treat us. By refusing to let them dump their negativity on you, they just might learn your boundaries. If they value you, they’ll reduce the amount of gloom they spread to increase the time they spend with you. And if they choose to wallow in their unhappiness, at least you’ll be taking care of your mental health.

It’s all about shifting perception and focus. Look for and find ways to improve your mental attitude by just 1%. It will mean that you have that much more energy for your subconscious to use to solve problems and create a more harmonious life for you.

Affirmation:
I now consciously choose to shift my attention from the negative and consider more positive and empowering perspectives. When I notice myself thinking in a counterproductive way, I take charge of my thoughts and channel them into more constructive avenues. I set boundaries and take care of my mental health. Each day, I find things to be grateful for. As I increase the amount of positive and productive thoughts, I notice how my life flows more smoothly and harmoniously.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“How to Save Yourself from Toxic People” by wikihow

“How to Save Yourself from Toxic People” by wikihow

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

You’re in the best of moods and the day feels just great. Suddenly you feel sapped of energy and your spirits have been dampened. The source of the deflation? You’ve just encountered someone else’s bad attitude and it has cast a pall over your own mood. While it’s a personal choice to seek to deflect the negative moods of others, it’s not always that easy – emotions are contagious and we’re programmed to empathize with others around us and to tune into their emotions.

The negative moods and thinking of a toxic person are pervasive – nervous energy, anger, sadness, complaints, clinginess, a view of the world constantly tinged with negativity. And if you happen to be caught up with toxic people daily in your life, by letting their negativity get to you, it can erode your own sense of self and deflate even the most optimistic outlook. Constantly negative emotions can lead to illness and a shortened lifespan – toxic personalities are not healthy for themselves or for you. And since misery loves company, miserable people will try to drag you into their fold; however, take charge of defending yourself and learn how to break free from toxic attitudes around you, to sustain your healthy, fulfilling, and optimistic outlook.

Steps

  1. Discover your current attitudes towards life in general. There is no point in striving to be progressive and successful, when you yourself possess the negative energy that holds you back. Take stock of your actions and words. If your own behaviors head in the direction of self-pity and pessimism (a self-perceived victim status), it’s time to re-track and start over by making a choice to adopt more optimistic beliefs and attitudes. Life will give you what you expect, so that your expectations need to be balanced with realistic measures and a more positive framework. This starts with you as a person before looking to blame others for your failures and miseries.

  2. Learn to pick up on the energy (or vibes) around you. Besides knowing yourself well, you need to know how you feel when toxic people are around you. You probably already know how to do this but learn to make it a conscious act, not just an unconscious reaction. For example, think about how you feel when you walk into a business where everyone is friendly and cannot do enough to engage you in casual conversation. Then, think about walking into a business where the mood is sour, the assistants are barely able to mumble a hello to you and appear to have other things to do than to engage with you, their faces filled with resentment and a desire to be anywhere than where they are. The energy in both cases is enormously different and you pick up on it immediately. It is the same with individuals; you will grow to consciously notice when you feel immediately uplifted or plunged downward by the people in your presence and you can take steps to make choices about how to react once you recognize these feelings.

  3. Recognize the toxic personality types. We all have our down days, and each of us is prone to the blues now and then. However, when it comes to toxic people, the blues appear to be a permanent state of being and feeling down, glum, angry, etc., becomes a primary personality trait rather than a temporary state of mind. The following toxic personality types are ones to be on the watch for:

    • Angry at life: A person who is always angry, blowing up, shouting, and reacting to everyone in a volatile manner is a toxic person. They need a lot of help but you don’t need to be their battering board. Staying around a person like this will cause you to become angry too, to see slights where there are none, to react instead of reflecting, and to fear things.
    • Everything in the world is rotten: A person with this worldview is always down and always finds the dark side in everything. And they love miserable company; the more dark thinkers agreeing with their conspiracies and frightening theories, the better. Oddly enough, this person will often be competitive about their misery, trying to outdo any other person’s misery. Prone to seeing other people’s mistakes as enormous transgressions (and therefore cannot forgive) and to fearing that people are going to let them down/let them go any moment, they live in constant state of fate-determining negativity and lack hope. Since they don’t feel capable of changing their trajectory, they’ll try to drag you in with them.
    • Attention seekers: Insecure, unable to create their own sense of self-worth, and emotionally immature, this person is a “clinger”. They want your attention, they want it when they want it (now!) and they need to be at the center of everything. This person’s constant need to be heard and rescued will wear you down eventually and their inability to settle down and take a good, long hard look at themselves means that they try to suck the energy and life from elsewhere, namely from you.
    • Gossips: When all else in your own life fails, spill the beans on other people’s misfortunes is the motto of this difficult character. Instead of keeping confidences and being supportive, this person allows envious feelings to get the better of them instead of getting the better of their envious feelings. Unfortunately, gossip feels exciting to those receiving it initially but it’s like a sugar high; it soon crashes and the nasty after-effects harm everyone. If you have found yourself caught up with a gossip and you’ve enabled them or benefited from them, don’t get hung up on worrying about your complicity; forgive yourself, make a choice to only speak well of others from this point on, and remove yourself form their sphere.
    • Fearful frighteners: Worry, anxiety, “what ifs”, and fear push this personality. Everything in life, from relationships to crossing the road, holds some potential for fear and terror, and this person’s anxiety is unfortunately very contagious.
  4. Take a look at the company you keep (or attract). Looking at the list in the previous step, analyze friendships, family relationships, working colleagues and decide objectively just how healthy these people are in terms of your overall well-being and composure. Do they bring out the best in you or do you serve as a sponge for all their problems and miseries? If the latter is the case, for your own sanity and well-being, let them go. This might be really hard initially because of the expectations and sense of obligation that builds up in relationships but staying with people who lead you into constant misery isn’t going to be rewarded, so don’t subject yourself to it. Disengage yourself from their company politely by minimizing contact until a healthy distance can be maintained. You need this time to ponder and reflect on saving and preserving yourself, drawing on the optimism, hope and positive energy you have within.
    • There is a primal instinct in each of us to mirror others we’re with. It’s a survival and a social technique. And if that mirror is murky, negative, and lacking in self-esteem, it’s a mirror you need to throw a drape over for the sake of self-protection and moving forward. Remember that you can’t change another person, only yourself, so don’t bog yourself down with excuses about being responsible for them or feeling pity for them. You can only truly help a negative person when you’re no longer influenced by them.
  5. Listen selectively when engaging in any conversation. Seek to hold onto the positive and constructive aspects of any conversation. Train your mind to consciously throw out the bad essence of the conversation. It becomes a matter of choosing what it is you wish to dwell on; allow the good side to hold stronger for you and to serve as the thoughts you focus and ponder on. When negative Ned starts getting really trying, return positive energy through positive words or suggestions that are supportive. Doing this creates a space between you; while the other person may be internally struggling to refute to your positive insistence, it is clear to them that you aren’t going to be won over to the dark side!
    • Create a personal signal to remind yourself to keep deflecting the negative conversation and signals beamed at you from a toxic personality. It might be pulling a piece of your hair, digging your thumbnail into your palm, flicking your wrist, tapping your knee, etc. This minor action is a protective mechanism to remind you to consciously note that negativity is being sent your way and to make a conscious effort to refuse it entry into or lodgings in your own thoughts.
    • When dealing with blamers, shift the perspective. While the toxic personality wants another person to take the blame for a situation, stay calm and keep insisting that the problem be solved instead of discussing whose fault it is. Seeking to blame someone keeps things static, and stuck in time, and a solution won’t be found because it has been lost from sight and the blamer doesn’t want to take responsibility for improving their own situation anyway. Stick to the facts and point out what needs to be done to fix a problem. If they become hot-headed or violent, remove yourself from them and allow them the space to calm down.
    • Use empathy and compassion with those who seek to spread fear. Limit your exposure to their fear talk by turning their negative talk back on itself. For example, if they insist that your business venture is going to fail, ask them “Well, what if it doesn’t?”. Help them to see the possibilities rather than endless negatives. And when they really get to you, see their fear as a form of being upset and tell yourself over and over again that this is their reaction, not yours, and that you have the choice to remain grounded and true to your goals.
    • Always remind yourself that negative emotions have a time limit; they do not last, they will soon pass. You do not need to carry the ball of negativity with you beyond the encounter.
  6. Develop a beautiful mind. This can be achieved by accepting the reality of things that cannot be changed. Let bygones be where they belong – in the historical archives of repressed memory. If these emotions become too difficult to attain closure, seek help to close this chapter fully and finally. In this way, you won’t allow the negative thoughts to fester and control your present and future self; understanding and learning to accept what has been as a lesson in growth rather than a crystallization of who you in time for all time is the way to break free from negativity. Acceptance forms a great part of this beautiful mind, bringing closure and leaving the mind and body free to achieve a more fruitful and higher quality lifestyle.
    • Take up practices that help to ground you. Some things that might help you include meditation, yoga, reflection in nature, martial arts, endurance sports, a hobby that fulfills a passion, etc. Find something that calms and centers you and to which you can retreat when you need to re-energize yourself.
  7. Know what your needs and desires are. Take time to decipher what is important to you. Know what your likes and dislikes are and develop some idea of where you would like to see yourself in the future. Write down your plans on paper. Paste it on a wall where you can constantly remind yourself and stay focused. This will also help you when times get tough and you feel the gripping desire to fall back into older negative habits. More importantly, knowing what you want in life acts as a shield to prevent you from taking on board other people’s expectations for you and treating those as your own instead. By all means remain open to hearing what others have to say but don’t be swayed by what doesn’t fit with your needs and desires, or by what stops you from being true to yourself.

  8. Stick to your own beliefs and be comfortable with yourself. The doubts, regrets, and misgivings that others feel should be of no consequence to you and the paths you follow in life. It is commonplace to hear such comments as “My parents wanted me to do X, so I did”, or “My spouse wanted to go to X city, so we did” and then to see the speaker behave as if their life were determined by someone else’s choices. Or, there is the perennial “If only I had done things differently, I’d be famous/rich/important by now, but X held me back.” None of these thoughts about the past are helpful to the person you are now; don’t allow other people or their preferences to serve as your excuse for a lack of an internal moral compass and set of beliefs. Your faith and confidence in your own beliefs will get you to where you want to be. Once again, listen if you have to, but do it selectively. Keeping away from people who confuse you is the next very best choice to make – make excuses to stay away.
    • At times, you will need to make compromises with the people close to you or who impact your professional life but do so knowingly and confidently, and not because you feel bludgeoned into making choices by a toxic personality.
  9. Find like minded people. As we all know, no person is an island – we humans are social creatures. As time progresses, your entire being will become accustomed to happy and wholesome interactions. What you will discover when you focus on sustaining an optimistic mindset and refusing to dwell on the negativity is that you will attract people with a similar mindset to you. Mingle with company that helps you to develop a healthy body and mind – be with optimistic, upbeat, and happy people. The more time spent with people of this nature, the happier and brighter you will feel. Their nourishing, healthy, and positive attitudes are contagious in a good way and will help you to stay on an even keel. Equally, once you reach the point whereby anything or anyone who disrupts your sense of balance and inner peace starts to irritate you, you know how to politely deflect them, and this confirms that you’re well on your way to a greater and more contented life.
    • Pass it on. Use the inspirational example of the more positive people in your life to guide yourself away from the toxic thought dwellers. In turn, become more like the optimistic people by seeing the best in others and complimenting the good you see in people. Be the source of a “healthy chain of emotions” by remaining upbeat when interacting with others; accept and give compliments with thankfulness, maintain eye contact with them, and smile.
  10. Strive to become one with yourself, the environment and your needs. This may be difficult at the onset but given time, the routine of seeing everything as a wonder and finding the good and positive in everyday interactions will eventually fall into place. A calm and collected mind is ingenious and complements productive and sensible thinking.

Tips

  • Strive to see the best in everything you do. Once the voices on the inside echo louder than the voices on the outside, then you have achieved a higher level of thinking within yourself.
  • It matters not if people think of you as antisocial or arrogant; such terminology is all too easily applied to a person who assertively strikes forth to make a mark in the world and to better themselves. You need to become the most important person in your own life. If their presence brings you undue grief, then you are better off without them or their presence and this is not disloyal or snobbish; remember that toxic people will attempt to make you see it that way so as to drag you back into their toxic worldview but even their judgment of you is wrongheaded and in reality an excuse for their own behavior rather than a level-headed summation of who you are.
  • Find one thing a day to be grateful for. Force yourself to do this until it becomes a daily habit you cannot live without. You will discover that it causes negative encounters to move away from your thoughts and will replace these with more harmonious, happy, and productive thoughts.
  • By remembering the above steps, your mind and psyche stands on guard against those to knowingly or unknowingly put you down or create misgivings about your own potential and capabilities.

Whenever tempted to complaint or feelings of ‘not enough-ness’, try belly breathing in a resounding “Yes”, followed by a gentle “Thank you” exhale. We always have the very basic ‘gift of the given’ and our job is to make space to find it. Breathing, yoga, meditation, music, sport and intimate communication are exquisite activities to deepen this appreciation. In the end, our real security, our spiritual security, revolves around the simple two word practice, deepened throughout the day.

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

  • Bo Forbes, Protect your mood, pp. 78-81, in Body+Soul, August 2007 – research source

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Save Yourself from Toxic People. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Having The Wisdom To Know You Can Only Change Yourself

Having The Wisdom To Know You Can Only Change Yourself

In many self-help programs for addictions and anxiety, they recite a prayer to help them focus on what they can change and what they cannot. It’s called the “Serenity Prayer” and is helpful to remember that you can’t always change what’s going on.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference

When you stop resisting what is, you can put your energies and resourcefulness to dealing with it. You can then create something better because you know in what area you can then change.

After my last article, “You Can Only Change Yourself,” a reader sent me this spin on the original Serenity Prayer. I loved it!

God grant me the serenity
To accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know it’s me.

This pretty much sums up my article.

You can change your responses, attitudes and actions towards other people, but you won’t change anyone else. If you set boundaries, you can improve the way they treat you. But it depends on your establishing and sticking to the consequences you decide on if you’re not treated according to your wishes.

Accept the wisdom to know that the only one you can change is you.

Book Review-“Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset”

Book Review-“Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset”

“Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset”
by Hal Stone and Sidra Stone

Review by Lorna Stewart

I found this book to be eye opening. The authors urge us to become aware of that inner voice that constantly criticizes us for everything we do — or do not do. This voice will even bring up things from the distant past, for instance, “Why didn’t you write and thank Aunt Bertha for the birthday card?” Never mind that the card was sent 63 years ago and that it — and Aunt Bertha– have been dust for fifty-five of them. Once we become aware of the voice and its messages we can begin to take
steps to change the messages.

The key to doing this is to recognize that the frantic criticism is, in reality, a frantic call for help! Help in handling a situation that has gotten out of hand. The Inner Critic is frightened! By finding out what is threatening it and offering support in dealing with the situation you can enlist its help on finding out just what issues need to be addressed — and then addressing them. The big difference is that now you must take responsibility for solving the problems. In other words you must move from the passive to the active role.

It is an excellent book…not an easy read because it is jam packed with new concepts. But stick with it. I think you will be well rewarded.

“How can I develop my ‘psychic gifts?'”

“How can I develop my ‘psychic gifts?'”

Question: I have been trying to develop my “psychic gifts” for many years now, without success. What can I do to get past it?

Answer: Many people are in a similar situation to you. They would like to develop an ability or talent more, but feel that it’s being blocked somehow. Sometimes, its cause is in a past life, and is re-stimulated in the present life. I’d recommend you read my article, “Past Lives: 101, Part 1-3” especially part 3, (go to my Article Index page and scroll down near the bottom) to get some deeper understanding of how this works. And many times, it’s something that has happened in the current life that has shut it down.

As to how to get past it, begin telling yourself that it’s safe now to experience those gifts. The subconscious is just trying to keep you protected and safe. If some trauma happened in a past life that made it dangerous to express them, then letting the subconscious/soul know that the fear is a response to a time long ago, and not relevant now, is key. Inner reassurance that it isn’t dangerous for you any more, that this is a different situation, can help to reduce the subconscious’ attempt to protect you.

Generally, as with any block, a past life issue was then re-triggered in the present life. If you can track back to what might have been said or done that shut you down as a child, that can be very helpful. An adult might have disbelieved you or was afraid of how you could sense things. Unfortunately, this happens a lot.

To handle it, you follow the same process as dealing with a past life issue. Reassurance, encouragement, specifically addressing what was said or done, will help the subconscious realize that it’s okay now.

Then start practicing your psychic gift in a small way, in one area. For instance, sense where you should go for the best parking place. Or, when the phone rings, sense who it might be. You could get the pack of “psychic cards,” that have different shapes on them, choose one at a time, and practice predicting which one has been selected. Pick one exercise, and do that and only that one for a while.

This is to help begin expanding the availability of your gift, as well as showing the subconscious that nothing bad is happening from it.

Take it slow, one step at a time. This builds your confidence that can expand into other areas, and it builds the subconscious’ feeling of safety. I know you want to make faster progress, but it could be counter-productive. If you try to go too fast, it might be too much for your subconscious to handle, and it’ll shut down again. Take it slow and steady.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

You Can Only Change Yourself

You Can Only Change Yourself

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Many years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who took me for granted. On a 100-degree day in May, I waited outside in the shade for an hour for him to come meet me. When he finally arrived, he had a great excuse. After a couple of similar incidents, I realized it was a pattern, and made a different decision. I couldn’t change him or control his actions, but I could certainly change how it affected me and my actions.

The only person you can truly change is yourself. When someone treats you with less than respect, you can go into victim mode and feel helpless, or you can choose a more empowered way to respond to it.

You may have a co-worker who lives to criticize, a boss who micromanages, an adult child who is self-destructive, or an abusive spouse. All of these are difficult situations and relationships. If you could fix them easily, they would already be resolved. But it’s not about fixing, it’s about responding to them in a different way.

1. Love yourself. Love yourself enough not to sacrifice your well being to their insensitivity. The Universe doesn’t want you hurt in this way. Have compassion for yourself and for them. They have their own connection to their inner selves and don’t need you to cater to their demands. If your best friend were having the same experience you are, what would you suggest they do?

2. Take your power back. You aren’t at their mercy. How long are you going to let them control your feelings? There are things you can do to circumvent their inconsiderate treatment of you. Some of these strategies take action on your part. When one person changes in a relationship, the dynamics of the relationship change. The other person sometimes changes as a result. Or they can escalate their demands and abuse to try to force you back into the familiar role. But taking back your power puts you into a pro-active rather than re-active position.

3. Change the way you think about it. It’s not about them. It’s about you and your well being. You aren’t the target. They’re doing what they are because they’ve gotten away with it for so long. Nobody has held them accountable for their actions. They may act this way to feel powerful, or for some other reason. But their excuse isn’t important. No matter what you do, it’ll never be enough for them.

Sometimes, you can’t just tell them to take a hike. It may be counter-productive to your bank account or downright dangerous to confront them. There are many resources on how to deal with bullies, difficult or toxic people. Search for them and find techniques that will work for you. The bottom line is, how can you deal with them while taking care of yourself?

A year after the first incident with my then boyfriend, I was once again waiting outside in the heat for him to meet me. However, this time, after twenty minutes, I left. When he called me later, he had a great excuse again.

“That’s fine,” I said. “But in the future, I’ll only wait fifteen to twenty minutes. If you don’t show up, I’ll leave.” He argued with me, rationalized his actions, but I held firm. I wasn’t going to be left outside twiddling my thumbs and risking heatstroke again.

The choice was his. Either meet me when he said he would, or I’d leave. Simple. I let him know what the consequences of his decisions would be and followed through on it. Interestingly enough, after he did it one more time and I carried out my promise, he never made me wait again. I didn’t change him at all. All that changed was the way he treated me.

Affirmation:

I let go of trying to change other people, and concentrate on my own beliefs and behaviors. Everyone has the same access to their own power and inner self. I love myself enough to care for my well being and allow others to do the same. I am now in charge of my feelings, and know that I have the power to make positive changes in my life. I’m Divinely guided to the best way to constructively cope with difficult people while taking care of myself.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved