by Linda-Ann Stewart
There are two extremes of communication styles to avoid. Both are used by people concerned with being true to themselves and being spiritually responsible, but their approaches are actually rooted in fear.
One extreme comes from people who think they can say whatever they want without a care, figuring they aren’t responsible for how the other person takes it. And the other is from those who are so concerned about hurting someone’s feelings that they don’t say anything. The first is aggressive, the second is passive.
The person who thinks they are being authentic when they’re being blunt, and not caring if they’re saying it in a hurtful way, is not being responsible for their words or intention. They shift the full responsibility to the other person, rationalizing that “No one can hurt you without your permission.” In actuality, their communication is a cover-up for hostility and antagonism. Their true intention isn’t to be authentic, it’s to be in control and unload some of their own anger.
On the other hand, other spiritual people are so sensitive, that they avoid being honest because it might hurt another’s feelings. Instead of standing up for themselves, they put their needs last. This is no more authentic than using a sledgehammer to communicate. They need to realize that speaking up for their needs and wants is important for them and for the other person. Hiding their feelings just gives others the wrong information and will ensure that others will take advantage of them, because they don’t know any better.
The people creating both of these extremes need to take responsibility for their words and the intentions behind their statements or non-statements. The battering ram type of communicator needs to be more courteous and careful with the way they say things. Instead of being so defensive, they need to be more open and vulnerable. If someone misinterprets their statement, they can apologize for their insensitivity and correct the impression.
The timid communicator must learn to speak up, to say “No” when they don’t want to do something. To set boundaries and take responsibility for their own well-being. Only speaking up and stating what you want will do that. And to not take it personally when someone says something in a thoughtless way.
You attract what you feel in your deepest self. And the way you express yourself communicates how you feel and what you fear. The thoughtless communicator will attract feelings of being out of control and helpless, because that’s what they’re trying to prevent. For the timid communicator, their intention of avoiding confrontation will manifest by attracting people who walk all over them.
People using both of these extremes need to take responsibility for the words and the intentions behind their statements or non-statements. There are times when what needs to be said may be painful for the other person to hear. But as long as they express themselves with the intention of not being deliberately hurtful, they aren’t responsible for how the other person takes it.
There’s an organization called “Society for Nonviolent Communication” which can instruct you on how to express yourself gently. You never know when you’re going to press someone’s hot button, and this organization teaches you how to make sure that doesn’t happen.
Copyright 2009 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved
A nationally known speaker, life coach, hypnotherapist, author, Linda-Ann Stewart helps people rediscover their power and sense of self-worth. For a copy of her free book, “Secrets To The Law Of Attraction,” visit www.Cedarfire.com/secretstoloa.shtml