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Book Review: “Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery”

Book Review: “Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery”

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and
Recovery
by Patricia Evans

This book is the sequel to the book I reviewed last month. As much as I learned from the first book, I learned even more from this one. Not only does it contain letters from people that have experienced verbal abuse, but the author goes into much greater detail analyzing the problem and ways to deal with it.

In one letter, a woman writes that she attended a support group for abused women. The women would discuss their bruises, broken bones, etc. She’s ask each woman, “Which was worse in your relationship, the physical or verbal abuse?” Each woman asserted the verbal abuse was worse.

Verbal abuse isn’t something that can be pointed to and a person can say “I have a bruise, therefore I was hurt.” It’s much more diffuse and dangerous than that.

The author covers the different games and “traps” an abuser uses to convince the survivor that it’s their fault. Just like a physical batterer will convince his/her victim that they deserved the battering. Near the end of the book, there are affirmations for self-esteem and instructions on how a person can begin to build their self-worth.

Verbal abuse kills the spirit. But with time and help, and self-recognition, a person can heal. This book is a great resource in the direction.

Copyright 2003, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

The Symbol Of The Butterfly

The Symbol Of The Butterfly

by Linda-Ann Stewart

When we talk about transformation, the image that comes to mind for most of us is the butterfly. A beautiful, filmy creature that glides about the sky, bringing joy to our hearts. But we tend to forget what the butterfly has gone through, how it has struggled to reach its place on the breeze.

Our path of transformation can be likened to that of the butterfly’s. Generally, when we embrace transformation, we only want to think of the end result. We don’t want to think about the work that goes into it, or the sacrifices we’ll have to make to be able to soar. I know that when I went through a transformation some years ago, I thought “Wonderful. Things will be better.” They were, but in the process there were attitudes and behaviors I had to surrender that were central to my life.

Transformation begins with the Universe pressing us forward into desiring something better for ourselves. We may not know what it is that we want, just that we have this impulsion for something more. Originally, the butterfly was once a caterpillar, inching across the grass to climb up the marigold to reach its daily meal. Its main drive was to eat, to fill its stomach.

The same could be said of us. Before we begin to transform, we have a compulsion to meander around; reading books, listening to tapes, attending lectures, digesting information. We’re still in the old form, fattening our minds up to get ready to build a cocoon, where we’ll use all that we’ve digested to transform our lives into a greater reflection of the Universal good.

Once our appetite has been appeased, we’ll feel compelled to allow what we’ve learned to gestate. Letting it process is like the caterpillar inside its cocoon. This is the time to incubate. It may last for a few days or a few months. While it is happening, we’re changing. We may not see the change, but there are parts of us that are being released, transformed and altered. At this point, our lives will sometimes become very uncomfortable for us. During my transformation, I had an intimate relationship that got progressively difficult.

When its transformation is complete, the butterfly begins its emergence from its cocoon. It must fight its way out of the old form, through the silky shell it created, letting it go, into a new world. Just as we must struggle to move through our barriers and outmoded attitudes. Behaviors that served us when we were caterpillars are no longer helpful. We can’t live the way we used to. We’re transcending the old patterns. But since they were familiar, and successful in our old form, we resist discarding them.

I eventually had to release beliefs that were no longer in my best interest. No longer could I play a role that I had outgrown. The relationship came to an end. It was very painful to let go, and very scary to change the role. My whole life had changed.

As we emerge from our cocoon, we take time to adjust to our new circumstances. Things are different, and we have to learn how to handle our new selves. We act in new ways. The things we say are surprising to others, because it’s not what they’re familiar with. People respond to us in a manner in which we’re not used to. Because of my new attitudes, I lost some friends who couldn’t adjust to the shift. And I made new friends who were walking the same path I was.

Eventually, the butterfly climbs free and rests, spreading its wings. For the first time, energy flows through them and they expand, finally ready to carry the butterfly on the breeze. Just as we soon feel confident with our new self, and we fly free, a beautiful butterfly gracefully fluttering from flower to flower. A living jewel fluttering about in the sky.

Copyright 2000, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Book Review – “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”

Book Review – “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”

The Verbally Abusive Relationship:  How To Recognize It And How To Respond
by Patricia Evans

Years ago, this book leaped off of the library shelf at me. It was at a time in which I was just recognizing that some people in my life were belittling and demeaning me, and that type of behavior wasn’t beneficial. It seems so simple now, but at the time this was a new concept for me. The information in this book was an eye-opener to me. The author explains how a person becomes a verbal abuser and why they do it.

I thought that if I could just explain myself better, the person would understand and not be so angry and mean. I learned that they didn’t want to understand. A verbal abuser feels so bad about themselves that they put others down to make themselves feel better, more powerful. And nothing I said or did was going to change their behavior.

This book details the different types of verbal abuse, how to recognize if you’re being abused, and what to do about it. The author describes the signals you might physically and mentally experience when you’re being verbally abused.

As children, we’re told that “Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt me.” But words do hurt, deeper and longer sometimes than physical abuse. My hurt feelings were always invalidated, and I went along with that, until I read this book. This book is so valuable to me that I don’t let it out of my possession.

Copyright 2003, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

The 1% Mindset Boost

The 1% Mindset Boost

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Think Positive

Researchers say that between 65% and 80% of what we think is negative or counterproductive. This shouldn’t be surprising, considering all the negative messages we received as children, the unsettling information we get about the state of the world, and the difficulties we have in our fast paced culture.

The subconscious acts on the average of our thoughts. Depending on how much of our thoughts are positive or negative, our lives flow smoothly or we struggle. We feel empowered to make changes or feel helpless. Energy is available for us to be productive or spin our wheels. With the amount of negativity the researchers say we experience, it’s amazing that we’re able to progress at all.

If we could increase the amount of positive thoughts by even 1%, we’d be able to improve our lives. It doesn’t sound like much, but it would be a start and we could then build on that foundation. Here are some ways you can create that 1%.

Economy and politics. Stop listening to the news so much. You can’t do much about it anyway, so why let it pollute your thought field? By taking a more philosophical and objective view of the situation, you can stop it from destroying your peace of mind. One way to do this is to assert that somehow everything is working for the good of the nation and the world. You can do this no matter what your political opinion or stance. It’s not easy, because you’ve probably been emotionally invested with things working out in a particular way. But this is a great practice to detach from needing a specific outcome.

Work and career. You probably can’t just walk out of a difficult work environment right now. But you can change your attitude so you’re not so miserable. It may take some doing, but it can be done. For instance, if your boss is a micromanager, realize it doesn’t reflect on your capabilities. It’s just that your boss has a hard time letting go of control. Stop focusing on what you hate about your job. You know what you dislike, so you don’t have to keep reminding yourself. It doesn’t change it and makes you feel helpless and a victim. So stop hammering your thumb with it. Find one thing a day that you appreciate about your work.

Relationships. Eliminate or minimize your contact with negative people. You can’t change them. When they start to drag you down, excuse yourself and leave the area. Just because you can’t abolish them from your life completely doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to their pessimism. We train people how to treat us. By refusing to let them dump their negativity on you, they just might learn your boundaries. If they value you, they’ll reduce the amount of gloom they spread to increase the time they spend with you. And if they choose to wallow in their unhappiness, at least you’ll be taking care of your mental health.

It’s all about shifting perception and focus. Look for and find ways to improve your mental attitude by just 1%. It will mean that you have that much more energy for your subconscious to use to solve problems and create a more harmonious life for you.

Affirmation:
I now consciously choose to shift my attention from the negative and consider more positive and empowering perspectives. When I notice myself thinking in a counterproductive way, I take charge of my thoughts and channel them into more constructive avenues. I set boundaries and take care of my mental health. Each day, I find things to be grateful for. As I increase the amount of positive and productive thoughts, I notice how my life flows more smoothly and harmoniously.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“How to Save Yourself from Toxic People” by wikihow

“How to Save Yourself from Toxic People” by wikihow

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

You’re in the best of moods and the day feels just great. Suddenly you feel sapped of energy and your spirits have been dampened. The source of the deflation? You’ve just encountered someone else’s bad attitude and it has cast a pall over your own mood. While it’s a personal choice to seek to deflect the negative moods of others, it’s not always that easy – emotions are contagious and we’re programmed to empathize with others around us and to tune into their emotions.

The negative moods and thinking of a toxic person are pervasive – nervous energy, anger, sadness, complaints, clinginess, a view of the world constantly tinged with negativity. And if you happen to be caught up with toxic people daily in your life, by letting their negativity get to you, it can erode your own sense of self and deflate even the most optimistic outlook. Constantly negative emotions can lead to illness and a shortened lifespan – toxic personalities are not healthy for themselves or for you. And since misery loves company, miserable people will try to drag you into their fold; however, take charge of defending yourself and learn how to break free from toxic attitudes around you, to sustain your healthy, fulfilling, and optimistic outlook.

Steps

  1. Discover your current attitudes towards life in general. There is no point in striving to be progressive and successful, when you yourself possess the negative energy that holds you back. Take stock of your actions and words. If your own behaviors head in the direction of self-pity and pessimism (a self-perceived victim status), it’s time to re-track and start over by making a choice to adopt more optimistic beliefs and attitudes. Life will give you what you expect, so that your expectations need to be balanced with realistic measures and a more positive framework. This starts with you as a person before looking to blame others for your failures and miseries.

  2. Learn to pick up on the energy (or vibes) around you. Besides knowing yourself well, you need to know how you feel when toxic people are around you. You probably already know how to do this but learn to make it a conscious act, not just an unconscious reaction. For example, think about how you feel when you walk into a business where everyone is friendly and cannot do enough to engage you in casual conversation. Then, think about walking into a business where the mood is sour, the assistants are barely able to mumble a hello to you and appear to have other things to do than to engage with you, their faces filled with resentment and a desire to be anywhere than where they are. The energy in both cases is enormously different and you pick up on it immediately. It is the same with individuals; you will grow to consciously notice when you feel immediately uplifted or plunged downward by the people in your presence and you can take steps to make choices about how to react once you recognize these feelings.

  3. Recognize the toxic personality types. We all have our down days, and each of us is prone to the blues now and then. However, when it comes to toxic people, the blues appear to be a permanent state of being and feeling down, glum, angry, etc., becomes a primary personality trait rather than a temporary state of mind. The following toxic personality types are ones to be on the watch for:

    • Angry at life: A person who is always angry, blowing up, shouting, and reacting to everyone in a volatile manner is a toxic person. They need a lot of help but you don’t need to be their battering board. Staying around a person like this will cause you to become angry too, to see slights where there are none, to react instead of reflecting, and to fear things.
    • Everything in the world is rotten: A person with this worldview is always down and always finds the dark side in everything. And they love miserable company; the more dark thinkers agreeing with their conspiracies and frightening theories, the better. Oddly enough, this person will often be competitive about their misery, trying to outdo any other person’s misery. Prone to seeing other people’s mistakes as enormous transgressions (and therefore cannot forgive) and to fearing that people are going to let them down/let them go any moment, they live in constant state of fate-determining negativity and lack hope. Since they don’t feel capable of changing their trajectory, they’ll try to drag you in with them.
    • Attention seekers: Insecure, unable to create their own sense of self-worth, and emotionally immature, this person is a “clinger”. They want your attention, they want it when they want it (now!) and they need to be at the center of everything. This person’s constant need to be heard and rescued will wear you down eventually and their inability to settle down and take a good, long hard look at themselves means that they try to suck the energy and life from elsewhere, namely from you.
    • Gossips: When all else in your own life fails, spill the beans on other people’s misfortunes is the motto of this difficult character. Instead of keeping confidences and being supportive, this person allows envious feelings to get the better of them instead of getting the better of their envious feelings. Unfortunately, gossip feels exciting to those receiving it initially but it’s like a sugar high; it soon crashes and the nasty after-effects harm everyone. If you have found yourself caught up with a gossip and you’ve enabled them or benefited from them, don’t get hung up on worrying about your complicity; forgive yourself, make a choice to only speak well of others from this point on, and remove yourself form their sphere.
    • Fearful frighteners: Worry, anxiety, “what ifs”, and fear push this personality. Everything in life, from relationships to crossing the road, holds some potential for fear and terror, and this person’s anxiety is unfortunately very contagious.
  4. Take a look at the company you keep (or attract). Looking at the list in the previous step, analyze friendships, family relationships, working colleagues and decide objectively just how healthy these people are in terms of your overall well-being and composure. Do they bring out the best in you or do you serve as a sponge for all their problems and miseries? If the latter is the case, for your own sanity and well-being, let them go. This might be really hard initially because of the expectations and sense of obligation that builds up in relationships but staying with people who lead you into constant misery isn’t going to be rewarded, so don’t subject yourself to it. Disengage yourself from their company politely by minimizing contact until a healthy distance can be maintained. You need this time to ponder and reflect on saving and preserving yourself, drawing on the optimism, hope and positive energy you have within.
    • There is a primal instinct in each of us to mirror others we’re with. It’s a survival and a social technique. And if that mirror is murky, negative, and lacking in self-esteem, it’s a mirror you need to throw a drape over for the sake of self-protection and moving forward. Remember that you can’t change another person, only yourself, so don’t bog yourself down with excuses about being responsible for them or feeling pity for them. You can only truly help a negative person when you’re no longer influenced by them.
  5. Listen selectively when engaging in any conversation. Seek to hold onto the positive and constructive aspects of any conversation. Train your mind to consciously throw out the bad essence of the conversation. It becomes a matter of choosing what it is you wish to dwell on; allow the good side to hold stronger for you and to serve as the thoughts you focus and ponder on. When negative Ned starts getting really trying, return positive energy through positive words or suggestions that are supportive. Doing this creates a space between you; while the other person may be internally struggling to refute to your positive insistence, it is clear to them that you aren’t going to be won over to the dark side!
    • Create a personal signal to remind yourself to keep deflecting the negative conversation and signals beamed at you from a toxic personality. It might be pulling a piece of your hair, digging your thumbnail into your palm, flicking your wrist, tapping your knee, etc. This minor action is a protective mechanism to remind you to consciously note that negativity is being sent your way and to make a conscious effort to refuse it entry into or lodgings in your own thoughts.
    • When dealing with blamers, shift the perspective. While the toxic personality wants another person to take the blame for a situation, stay calm and keep insisting that the problem be solved instead of discussing whose fault it is. Seeking to blame someone keeps things static, and stuck in time, and a solution won’t be found because it has been lost from sight and the blamer doesn’t want to take responsibility for improving their own situation anyway. Stick to the facts and point out what needs to be done to fix a problem. If they become hot-headed or violent, remove yourself from them and allow them the space to calm down.
    • Use empathy and compassion with those who seek to spread fear. Limit your exposure to their fear talk by turning their negative talk back on itself. For example, if they insist that your business venture is going to fail, ask them “Well, what if it doesn’t?”. Help them to see the possibilities rather than endless negatives. And when they really get to you, see their fear as a form of being upset and tell yourself over and over again that this is their reaction, not yours, and that you have the choice to remain grounded and true to your goals.
    • Always remind yourself that negative emotions have a time limit; they do not last, they will soon pass. You do not need to carry the ball of negativity with you beyond the encounter.
  6. Develop a beautiful mind. This can be achieved by accepting the reality of things that cannot be changed. Let bygones be where they belong – in the historical archives of repressed memory. If these emotions become too difficult to attain closure, seek help to close this chapter fully and finally. In this way, you won’t allow the negative thoughts to fester and control your present and future self; understanding and learning to accept what has been as a lesson in growth rather than a crystallization of who you in time for all time is the way to break free from negativity. Acceptance forms a great part of this beautiful mind, bringing closure and leaving the mind and body free to achieve a more fruitful and higher quality lifestyle.
    • Take up practices that help to ground you. Some things that might help you include meditation, yoga, reflection in nature, martial arts, endurance sports, a hobby that fulfills a passion, etc. Find something that calms and centers you and to which you can retreat when you need to re-energize yourself.
  7. Know what your needs and desires are. Take time to decipher what is important to you. Know what your likes and dislikes are and develop some idea of where you would like to see yourself in the future. Write down your plans on paper. Paste it on a wall where you can constantly remind yourself and stay focused. This will also help you when times get tough and you feel the gripping desire to fall back into older negative habits. More importantly, knowing what you want in life acts as a shield to prevent you from taking on board other people’s expectations for you and treating those as your own instead. By all means remain open to hearing what others have to say but don’t be swayed by what doesn’t fit with your needs and desires, or by what stops you from being true to yourself.

  8. Stick to your own beliefs and be comfortable with yourself. The doubts, regrets, and misgivings that others feel should be of no consequence to you and the paths you follow in life. It is commonplace to hear such comments as “My parents wanted me to do X, so I did”, or “My spouse wanted to go to X city, so we did” and then to see the speaker behave as if their life were determined by someone else’s choices. Or, there is the perennial “If only I had done things differently, I’d be famous/rich/important by now, but X held me back.” None of these thoughts about the past are helpful to the person you are now; don’t allow other people or their preferences to serve as your excuse for a lack of an internal moral compass and set of beliefs. Your faith and confidence in your own beliefs will get you to where you want to be. Once again, listen if you have to, but do it selectively. Keeping away from people who confuse you is the next very best choice to make – make excuses to stay away.
    • At times, you will need to make compromises with the people close to you or who impact your professional life but do so knowingly and confidently, and not because you feel bludgeoned into making choices by a toxic personality.
  9. Find like minded people. As we all know, no person is an island – we humans are social creatures. As time progresses, your entire being will become accustomed to happy and wholesome interactions. What you will discover when you focus on sustaining an optimistic mindset and refusing to dwell on the negativity is that you will attract people with a similar mindset to you. Mingle with company that helps you to develop a healthy body and mind – be with optimistic, upbeat, and happy people. The more time spent with people of this nature, the happier and brighter you will feel. Their nourishing, healthy, and positive attitudes are contagious in a good way and will help you to stay on an even keel. Equally, once you reach the point whereby anything or anyone who disrupts your sense of balance and inner peace starts to irritate you, you know how to politely deflect them, and this confirms that you’re well on your way to a greater and more contented life.
    • Pass it on. Use the inspirational example of the more positive people in your life to guide yourself away from the toxic thought dwellers. In turn, become more like the optimistic people by seeing the best in others and complimenting the good you see in people. Be the source of a “healthy chain of emotions” by remaining upbeat when interacting with others; accept and give compliments with thankfulness, maintain eye contact with them, and smile.
  10. Strive to become one with yourself, the environment and your needs. This may be difficult at the onset but given time, the routine of seeing everything as a wonder and finding the good and positive in everyday interactions will eventually fall into place. A calm and collected mind is ingenious and complements productive and sensible thinking.

Tips

  • Strive to see the best in everything you do. Once the voices on the inside echo louder than the voices on the outside, then you have achieved a higher level of thinking within yourself.
  • It matters not if people think of you as antisocial or arrogant; such terminology is all too easily applied to a person who assertively strikes forth to make a mark in the world and to better themselves. You need to become the most important person in your own life. If their presence brings you undue grief, then you are better off without them or their presence and this is not disloyal or snobbish; remember that toxic people will attempt to make you see it that way so as to drag you back into their toxic worldview but even their judgment of you is wrongheaded and in reality an excuse for their own behavior rather than a level-headed summation of who you are.
  • Find one thing a day to be grateful for. Force yourself to do this until it becomes a daily habit you cannot live without. You will discover that it causes negative encounters to move away from your thoughts and will replace these with more harmonious, happy, and productive thoughts.
  • By remembering the above steps, your mind and psyche stands on guard against those to knowingly or unknowingly put you down or create misgivings about your own potential and capabilities.

Whenever tempted to complaint or feelings of ‘not enough-ness’, try belly breathing in a resounding “Yes”, followed by a gentle “Thank you” exhale. We always have the very basic ‘gift of the given’ and our job is to make space to find it. Breathing, yoga, meditation, music, sport and intimate communication are exquisite activities to deepen this appreciation. In the end, our real security, our spiritual security, revolves around the simple two word practice, deepened throughout the day.

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

  • Bo Forbes, Protect your mood, pp. 78-81, in Body+Soul, August 2007 – research source

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Save Yourself from Toxic People. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Book Review-“Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset”

Book Review-“Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset”

“Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset”
by Hal Stone and Sidra Stone

Review by Lorna Stewart

I found this book to be eye opening. The authors urge us to become aware of that inner voice that constantly criticizes us for everything we do — or do not do. This voice will even bring up things from the distant past, for instance, “Why didn’t you write and thank Aunt Bertha for the birthday card?” Never mind that the card was sent 63 years ago and that it — and Aunt Bertha– have been dust for fifty-five of them. Once we become aware of the voice and its messages we can begin to take
steps to change the messages.

The key to doing this is to recognize that the frantic criticism is, in reality, a frantic call for help! Help in handling a situation that has gotten out of hand. The Inner Critic is frightened! By finding out what is threatening it and offering support in dealing with the situation you can enlist its help on finding out just what issues need to be addressed — and then addressing them. The big difference is that now you must take responsibility for solving the problems. In other words you must move from the passive to the active role.

It is an excellent book…not an easy read because it is jam packed with new concepts. But stick with it. I think you will be well rewarded.

“How can I develop my ‘psychic gifts?'”

“How can I develop my ‘psychic gifts?'”

Question: I have been trying to develop my “psychic gifts” for many years now, without success. What can I do to get past it?

Answer: Many people are in a similar situation to you. They would like to develop an ability or talent more, but feel that it’s being blocked somehow. Sometimes, its cause is in a past life, and is re-stimulated in the present life. I’d recommend you read my article, “Past Lives: 101, Part 1-3” especially part 3, (go to my Article Index page and scroll down near the bottom) to get some deeper understanding of how this works. And many times, it’s something that has happened in the current life that has shut it down.

As to how to get past it, begin telling yourself that it’s safe now to experience those gifts. The subconscious is just trying to keep you protected and safe. If some trauma happened in a past life that made it dangerous to express them, then letting the subconscious/soul know that the fear is a response to a time long ago, and not relevant now, is key. Inner reassurance that it isn’t dangerous for you any more, that this is a different situation, can help to reduce the subconscious’ attempt to protect you.

Generally, as with any block, a past life issue was then re-triggered in the present life. If you can track back to what might have been said or done that shut you down as a child, that can be very helpful. An adult might have disbelieved you or was afraid of how you could sense things. Unfortunately, this happens a lot.

To handle it, you follow the same process as dealing with a past life issue. Reassurance, encouragement, specifically addressing what was said or done, will help the subconscious realize that it’s okay now.

Then start practicing your psychic gift in a small way, in one area. For instance, sense where you should go for the best parking place. Or, when the phone rings, sense who it might be. You could get the pack of “psychic cards,” that have different shapes on them, choose one at a time, and practice predicting which one has been selected. Pick one exercise, and do that and only that one for a while.

This is to help begin expanding the availability of your gift, as well as showing the subconscious that nothing bad is happening from it.

Take it slow, one step at a time. This builds your confidence that can expand into other areas, and it builds the subconscious’ feeling of safety. I know you want to make faster progress, but it could be counter-productive. If you try to go too fast, it might be too much for your subconscious to handle, and it’ll shut down again. Take it slow and steady.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

You Can Only Change Yourself

You Can Only Change Yourself

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Many years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who took me for granted. On a 100-degree day in May, I waited outside in the shade for an hour for him to come meet me. When he finally arrived, he had a great excuse. After a couple of similar incidents, I realized it was a pattern, and made a different decision. I couldn’t change him or control his actions, but I could certainly change how it affected me and my actions.

The only person you can truly change is yourself. When someone treats you with less than respect, you can go into victim mode and feel helpless, or you can choose a more empowered way to respond to it.

You may have a co-worker who lives to criticize, a boss who micromanages, an adult child who is self-destructive, or an abusive spouse. All of these are difficult situations and relationships. If you could fix them easily, they would already be resolved. But it’s not about fixing, it’s about responding to them in a different way.

1. Love yourself. Love yourself enough not to sacrifice your well being to their insensitivity. The Universe doesn’t want you hurt in this way. Have compassion for yourself and for them. They have their own connection to their inner selves and don’t need you to cater to their demands. If your best friend were having the same experience you are, what would you suggest they do?

2. Take your power back. You aren’t at their mercy. How long are you going to let them control your feelings? There are things you can do to circumvent their inconsiderate treatment of you. Some of these strategies take action on your part. When one person changes in a relationship, the dynamics of the relationship change. The other person sometimes changes as a result. Or they can escalate their demands and abuse to try to force you back into the familiar role. But taking back your power puts you into a pro-active rather than re-active position.

3. Change the way you think about it. It’s not about them. It’s about you and your well being. You aren’t the target. They’re doing what they are because they’ve gotten away with it for so long. Nobody has held them accountable for their actions. They may act this way to feel powerful, or for some other reason. But their excuse isn’t important. No matter what you do, it’ll never be enough for them.

Sometimes, you can’t just tell them to take a hike. It may be counter-productive to your bank account or downright dangerous to confront them. There are many resources on how to deal with bullies, difficult or toxic people. Search for them and find techniques that will work for you. The bottom line is, how can you deal with them while taking care of yourself?

A year after the first incident with my then boyfriend, I was once again waiting outside in the heat for him to meet me. However, this time, after twenty minutes, I left. When he called me later, he had a great excuse again.

“That’s fine,” I said. “But in the future, I’ll only wait fifteen to twenty minutes. If you don’t show up, I’ll leave.” He argued with me, rationalized his actions, but I held firm. I wasn’t going to be left outside twiddling my thumbs and risking heatstroke again.

The choice was his. Either meet me when he said he would, or I’d leave. Simple. I let him know what the consequences of his decisions would be and followed through on it. Interestingly enough, after he did it one more time and I carried out my promise, he never made me wait again. I didn’t change him at all. All that changed was the way he treated me.

Affirmation:

I let go of trying to change other people, and concentrate on my own beliefs and behaviors. Everyone has the same access to their own power and inner self. I love myself enough to care for my well being and allow others to do the same. I am now in charge of my feelings, and know that I have the power to make positive changes in my life. I’m Divinely guided to the best way to constructively cope with difficult people while taking care of myself.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Remove Mind Tattoos” from wikihow

“Remove Mind Tattoos” from wikihow

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

“Mind tattoos” are mental imprints. Though not physically visible, these manifest themselves in your actions, reactions, and thought processes, and more often than not, they are a negative imprint. If body tattoos are exhibits, might we not view mind tattoos as inhibits?

Unable to be concealed no matter how hard you try to cover them up with excuses, distractions, or addictions, mind tattoos harm you through their persistence and habitual nature. However, with small effort and much resolve, it is possible to shed your mind tattoos. On paper the recipe is very simple, and certainly it will be harder to actually implement, but once you’re resolved to deal with your mind tattoos, and once you dedicate yourself to this task, your life will take a turn for the better.

Steps

  1. Use the simple displacement method. Mind tattoos and negative mindsets grow in a vacuum. Do not allow such a vacuum to be created in your mind. Increase your curiosity for things around you and beyond, allow yourself the privilege to be wonder-struck. Let the newness of every moment tickle your senses. Question yourself, keep asking what, why, when, where and how. A questioning mind is an open mind. It is not a knowing mind (the knowing mind soon leads to arrogance and shutting down on newness). Only an open mind can be creative. A knowing mind can never be creative.
    • When you open your mind, it can be filled with creativity, positivity and newness. Negative mindsets and tattoos will be displaced and deleted.
    • A questioning stance sensitizes the mind in a very special way, enabling it to sense what would have been missed otherwise.
  2. Come out of the mindset of blame games. The most damaging tattoo is the tendency to look for and find a scapegoat for every situation. Release yourself from the tendency of being problem averse and for shifting away responsibility. Stop wringing up your hands whenever there is a problem; while it is good to hope for a life without problems, realistically it is possible only when you work to make your problems surmountable, by cultivating a problem-friendly attitude. This means just rolling up your sleeves whenever you’re faced with a problem, and searching for an opportunity to improve the quality of your life by dealing with the problem. Being faced with a problem is never a problem. It is way of life and once you have woven problem-solving into the matrix of your life, you will feel stronger, more capable, and freer of the negative mind tattoos.

  3. Open your mind to ideas from friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. A tattooed mind is beset with preconceived ideas and closed to suggestion from outside. Open up your thinking to the ideas, opinions, and viewpoints gathered from your friends, colleagues, and even from strangers. Once you realize the value of these alternative ideas and views, you will be in a position to start using your increased understanding and empathy to improve the quality of your own thought and decision processes.

  4. Set achievable goals, and achieve set goals. A major reason for negative thought process is failure on personal or professional front; not just failure though – it is the failure to learn and grow from failure, to accept it as part of life’s lessons. The negative thinking can set in when personal or professional goals are not properly set. An improper understanding of your strengths or constraints often results in goals being not properly set and many excuses being made to sidestep developing a purpose to your life. In letting others make the decisions and change the rules on you, you drift rather than achieve through life. Instead, know yourself, understand yourself, and be yourself when setting your goals. This way you can be successful in setting and achieving your goal and keep failure out of your door. Moreover, do not be dissuaded by the failures but see them as detours that teach what to do better next time.

  5. Come out of the habit of perennial dissatisfaction. Perennial dissatisfaction is a major indication of a person with a negative mindset; a positive thinker can spot such a person a mile away and will do their best to steer clear (hence, you attract more negativity than its opposite). It is good to be acutely aware of your dissatisfaction and unfulfilled desires. However, this awareness should not frustrate you or cause you to give up citing everything as being “too hard” or “all over”. Even if you are frustrated, it should never be reflected in your behavior toward other people. As a matter of fact, you should use this awareness as a stimulus to realize your dreams, and to be grateful for that which you have achieved already. See How to Stop Feeling Like Your Life Isn’t Good Enough.

  6. Don’t overestimate the effects of your level (or lack) of schooling. A feeling of being uneducated or inadequately educated is one of the biggest self-destructing tattoo one can carry around. But higher level schooling can also imprint more negative tattoos: arrogance, self-righteous behavior, and greater dissatisfaction with one’s lot in life or sensitivity to past failures. Whatever category you fall into, understand that schooling is different from education. Education is sourced from life itself, the people you meet, the things you discover, and the environment in which you move and observe daily. Very often people with less or no schooling are found to be highly educated in matters of life and other way round. Less schooled people are often highly successful because they have minds clear of the biases that schooling can build into us. The more highly schooled who have simply associated their learning with being of a “higher status” might actually lack openness to new ideas and empathy for others, so they wind up less likely to succeed. Both would do better to
    • realize that universities and degrees do not determine your level of your education and do not even determine a person’s all-round intelligence or suitability for the rest of life.
    • Instead, figure out what you still need to learn and find the fastest way to learn it.
  7. Reframe your situation from different angles. A situation often appears to be hopeless and irretrievable. In many cases, such catastrophizing does not ultimately turn out to be true, especially where it is based on allowing ourselves to be the victim and to imagine things that are not there. Try to reframe the situation from different angles till you find an angle from where it looks acceptable. For example, in a cricket match in a close run-out decision, sometimes it appears that the batsman is out; however, reframing it from different angles gives the umpire more options of viewing the truth and taking correct decision. Similarly, being your own inner umpire (referee) by mental reframing of the situation often helps you to make the correct decision.

  8. Tattoo your mind with conscious, positive thoughts. What we tattoo on any part of the body for others to see is not as important as what we tattoo in our minds. Much of what is tattooed there has been absorbed from the criticisms, expectations, and limitations placed upon us by other people; they are not wanted or chosen tattoos but they are embedded out of obligation, loyalty, misplaced trust, and over-eagerness to please the other. On the other hand, positive, successful, energetic mind tattoos are a must to attain success and are tattoos that we can choose to implant and thrive from. So, it should be your conscious (and ultimately subconscious) endeavor to keep tattooing your mind with thoughts that are only about winning or thriving. Implant and nourish the tattoos that reflect who you want to be, the goals you want to reach, and the successes you seek to achieve. Mentally, make or choose your day’s outcomes for the day every single day.
    • Focus doesn’t simply sprout unaided. It requires effort and conscious attention. However, once you are focused, you can achieve a great deal of your heart’s desire because you’re consciously attending to what needs to be done, as well as channeling your subconscious experience more effectively.

Tips

  • Be very careful when implementing the process of removing your negative tattoos. It is necessary to restrain your feelings and impulses.
  • While you are going through this reform process, people around you could be the biggest inhibiting factors for you. Please be patient with them and be determined in your objective. Sometimes the fears and insecurities of others mean that they want us to stay where we are and not change or improve but you cannot bear their burdens for them, you can only choose to be a better person for yourself.
  • Take the advice and guidance of peers and elders. While you do not have to heed all that is said, other people’s experiences are important sources of information and guidance to set you on the better path through avoiding the pitfalls that they experienced. Remember that reinventing the wheel is a waste of your time when you stand in front of many generations’ of experience.
  • Thriving is better than winning at someone else’s expense. In the long run it helps you sleep better at night and gives you more future resources. If you step on people during the climb, they’ll kick you hard on the way down and remember exactly who you are.

Warnings

  • Give yourself time. Expecting too much too early can result in disappointment and frustration.
  • Your mental tattoos are well entrenched and may resist evacuation initially. You need to be persistent and confident. You can, and you will, release your mind from them.
  • Filter the advice that comes in from other people with trial and error. Try it honestly but when the trial fails, look at why. They can be right for themselves and wrong for you. Sedentary people can get sick from lack of exercise but a disabled person can get sick from exercise. If those other people have the same mind tattoos, they can often just reinforce them – it didn’t just crop up on its own. Don’t let them just hand the same biases back to you with a new set of intellectual rationalizations. Your mind tattoos came from somewhere so consider the source and weigh ideas for themselves.
  • If your friends and enemies both agree on something about you, it’s probably true or something about you makes people see you that way.

Things You’ll Need

  • A strong resolve
  • Self realization
  • A will to change
  • Dedication
  • Sacrifice

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Book Review – “The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity”

Book Review – “The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity”

“The Dynamic Laws Of Prosperity”
by Catherine Ponder

This book is a classic in metaphysical literature. The author has written many books on abundance, but this is a primer on prosperity techniques. She covers many aspects of prosperity, from affirmations to imaging to attitudes to forgiveness.

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