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Book Review: “Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery”

Book Review: “Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery”

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and
Recovery

by Patricia Evans

This book is the sequel to the book I reviewed last month. As much as I learned from the first book, I learned even more from this one. Not only does it contain letters from people that have experienced verbal abuse, but the author goes into much greater detail analyzing the problem and ways to deal with it.

In one letter, a woman writes that she attended a support group for abused women. The women would discuss their bruises, broken bones, etc. She’s ask each woman, “Which was worse in your relationship, the physical or verbal abuse?” Each woman asserted the verbal abuse was worse.

Verbal abuse isn’t something that can be pointed to and a person can say “I have a bruise, therefore I was hurt.” It’s much more diffuse and dangerous than that.

The author covers the different games and “traps” an abuser uses to convince the survivor that it’s their fault. Just like a physical batterer will convince his/her victim that they deserved the battering. Near the end of the book, there are affirmations for self-esteem and instructions on how a person can begin to build their self-worth.

Verbal abuse kills the spirit. But with time and help, and self-recognition, a person can heal. This book is a great resource in the direction.

Copyright 2003, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

Don’t Sabotage Your Goals With Unrealistic Expectations

Don’t Sabotage Your Goals With Unrealistic Expectations

When you have a goal, you may set too many goals at any one time. This can overwhelm your inner mind, and cause it to undermine your progress. You’ll have to make some adjustments to gain your inner mind’s cooperation. Learn how to overcome this barrier and reach your goals.



Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

The Symbol Of The Butterfly

The Symbol Of The Butterfly

by Linda-Ann Stewart

When we talk about transformation, the image that comes to mind for most of us is the butterfly. A beautiful, filmy creature that glides about the sky, bringing joy to our hearts. But we tend to forget what the butterfly has gone through, how it has struggled to reach its place on the breeze.

Our path of transformation can be likened to that of the butterfly’s. Generally, when we embrace transformation, we only want to think of the end result. We don’t want to think about the work that goes into it, or the sacrifices we’ll have to make to be able to soar. I know that when I went through a transformation some years ago, I thought “Wonderful. Things will be better.” They were, but in the process there were attitudes and behaviors I had to surrender that were central to my life.

Transformation begins with the Universe pressing us forward into desiring something better for ourselves. We may not know what it is that we want, just that we have this impulsion for something more. Originally, the butterfly was once a caterpillar, inching across the grass to climb up the marigold to reach its daily meal. Its main drive was to eat, to fill its stomach.

The same could be said of us. Before we begin to transform, we have a compulsion to meander around; reading books, listening to tapes, attending lectures, digesting information. We’re still in the old form, fattening our minds up to get ready to build a cocoon, where we’ll use all that we’ve digested to transform our lives into a greater reflection of the Universal good.

Once our appetite has been appeased, we’ll feel compelled to allow what we’ve learned to gestate. Letting it process is like the caterpillar inside its cocoon. This is the time to incubate. It may last for a few days or a few months. While it is happening, we’re changing. We may not see the change, but there are parts of us that are being released, transformed and altered. At this point, our lives will sometimes become very uncomfortable for us. During my transformation, I had an intimate relationship that got progressively difficult.

When its transformation is complete, the butterfly begins its emergence from its cocoon. It must fight its way out of the old form, through the silky shell it created, letting it go, into a new world. Just as we must struggle to move through our barriers and outmoded attitudes. Behaviors that served us when we were caterpillars are no longer helpful. We can’t live the way we used to. We’re transcending the old patterns. But since they were familiar, and successful in our old form, we resist discarding them.

I eventually had to release beliefs that were no longer in my best interest. No longer could I play a role that I had outgrown. The relationship came to an end. It was very painful to let go, and very scary to change the role. My whole life had changed.

As we emerge from our cocoon, we take time to adjust to our new circumstances. Things are different, and we have to learn how to handle our new selves. We act in new ways. The things we say are surprising to others, because it’s not what they’re familiar with. People respond to us in a manner in which we’re not used to. Because of my new attitudes, I lost some friends who couldn’t adjust to the shift. And I made new friends who were walking the same path I was.

Eventually, the butterfly climbs free and rests, spreading its wings. For the first time, energy flows through them and they expand, finally ready to carry the butterfly on the breeze. Just as we soon feel confident with our new self, and we fly free, a beautiful butterfly gracefully fluttering from flower to flower. A living jewel fluttering about in the sky.

Copyright 2000, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

The 1% Mindset Boost

The 1% Mindset Boost

by Linda-Ann Stewart

Think Positive

Researchers say that between 65% and 80% of what we think is negative or counterproductive. This shouldn’t be surprising, considering all the negative messages we received as children, the unsettling information we get about the state of the world, and the difficulties we have in our fast paced culture.

The subconscious acts on the average of our thoughts. Depending on how much of our thoughts are positive or negative, our lives flow smoothly or we struggle. We feel empowered to make changes or feel helpless. Energy is available for us to be productive or spin our wheels. With the amount of negativity the researchers say we experience, it’s amazing that we’re able to progress at all.

If we could increase the amount of positive thoughts by even 1%, we’d be able to improve our lives. It doesn’t sound like much, but it would be a start and we could then build on that foundation. Here are some ways you can create that 1%.

Economy and politics. Stop listening to the news so much. You can’t do much about it anyway, so why let it pollute your thought field? By taking a more philosophical and objective view of the situation, you can stop it from destroying your peace of mind. One way to do this is to assert that somehow everything is working for the good of the nation and the world. You can do this no matter what your political opinion or stance. It’s not easy, because you’ve probably been emotionally invested with things working out in a particular way. But this is a great practice to detach from needing a specific outcome.

Work and career. You probably can’t just walk out of a difficult work environment right now. But you can change your attitude so you’re not so miserable. It may take some doing, but it can be done. For instance, if your boss is a micromanager, realize it doesn’t reflect on your capabilities. It’s just that your boss has a hard time letting go of control. Stop focusing on what you hate about your job. You know what you dislike, so you don’t have to keep reminding yourself. It doesn’t change it and makes you feel helpless and a victim. So stop hammering your thumb with it. Find one thing a day that you appreciate about your work.

Relationships. Eliminate or minimize your contact with negative people. You can’t change them. When they start to drag you down, excuse yourself and leave the area. Just because you can’t abolish them from your life completely doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to their pessimism. We train people how to treat us. By refusing to let them dump their negativity on you, they just might learn your boundaries. If they value you, they’ll reduce the amount of gloom they spread to increase the time they spend with you. And if they choose to wallow in their unhappiness, at least you’ll be taking care of your mental health.

It’s all about shifting perception and focus. Look for and find ways to improve your mental attitude by just 1%. It will mean that you have that much more energy for your subconscious to use to solve problems and create a more harmonious life for you.

Affirmation:
I now consciously choose to shift my attention from the negative and consider more positive and empowering perspectives. When I notice myself thinking in a counterproductive way, I take charge of my thoughts and channel them into more constructive avenues. I set boundaries and take care of my mental health. Each day, I find things to be grateful for. As I increase the amount of positive and productive thoughts, I notice how my life flows more smoothly and harmoniously.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Can you unknowingly cancel an affirmation?”

“Can you unknowingly cancel an affirmation?”

Question: Are there ways a person can unknowingly cancel the positive affirmation that they’re using?

Answer: There are many ways you can cancel out a positive affirmation. One of the most basic is not having faith that it will manifest. If you’re afraid that the affirmation won’t create what you want, this will sap power from the statement, and you’ll manifest what you fear.

Having unconscious conflicts or blocks to the result will also restrict the manifestation. These could be from past experiences, childhood programming, other people’s conditioning, or any number of things.

The best thing to do is to examine what you really *feel* about the outcome. Listen to any negating statements you might tell yourself, and track them down to where they came from. Address them with an affirmation that counters them.

One of the most common ways to negate an affirmation is stating the affirmation, then during the day, stating its opposite. For example, affirming “I’m prosperous” then saying, “I don’t have enough money for….”

One other way that comes to mind is giving power to someone else to negate the affirmation. For example, if there are negative people in your life, and they belittle you when you say something positive. They can’t actually take any power away from you that you don’t give them. But, in this case, the most prudent thing to do is to keep your positive goals to yourself.

Copyright 2002, 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

The Three Blessings Exercise by Martin Seligman

The Three Blessings Exercise by Martin Seligman

Martin Seligman, Ph.D. is the founder of the positive psychology movement, and author of Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life and Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment. These are books I recommend highly.

In this video, he describes an exercise where you examine what has gone right in your life that day, rather than dwelling on what has gone wrong. Many studies show that focusing on what you have to be grateful for increases your overall mood and well being. It trains the subconscious to scan for things to be grateful for and creates a sense of optimism.


In the exercise, you think of constructive things that have happened, and what caused them to occur. This allows you to focus on what’s positive. And energy flows where attention goes. So this is an easy technique to begin boosting your positive thoughts.

Fulfilling A Goal By Working A Plan – Hiking The Grand Canyon Rim Trail

Fulfilling A Goal By Working A Plan – Hiking The Grand Canyon Rim Trail

Jeff and I visited the Grand Canyon again, recently. On this trip, we hiked the last three-mile section of the rim trail that we hadn’t done before. It took us four trips to complete the thirteen miles of trail. This accomplished a goal I set over twenty years ago.

Even though I’d wanted to hike that trail, until a little over a year ago, I hadn’t made any plans or taken any action. You can have a desire or a goal, but unless you decide to do it, nothing will happen. Your inner mind won’t consider that you really want it unless you start taking some steps in that direction.

Whenever we had an opportunity to visit the National Park, we arranged to go. It’s a day trip for us, including about six hours of driving, hours of walking and Jeff taking photographs. Because of that, we set aside two days. One day to spend on the trip and one to recover at home.

I could have just enjoyed the scenery on our first visit and not returned, but I had a goal. So we decided to take advantage of every chance we had to visit the Canyon. Because of this, I was able to achieve my goal in just over a year.

Before each trip, we planned which part of the trail we’d hike next. We also checked the weather, and made sure we carried enough water, snacks, and the right kinds of clothes (jackets and gloves for winter, neck coolers and hats for summer).

A goal is only as good as its plan. Then you have to work the plan. The opportunity for me to fulfill my goal came up unexpectedly. But once it did, I took advantage of it. I planned for it and worked the plan. You can accomplish your desires in the same way.

“What can I do when I get concerned about my finances?”

“What can I do when I get concerned about my finances?”

Question: “What can I do when I get concerned about my finances?”

Answer: When I get into that state (as I sometimes do), I immerse myself in books on prosperity. This not only helps my peace of mind, but keeps my thoughts more positive.

See if your local library has any prosperity books, especially by Catherine Ponder or Joseph Murphy. One of my standby’s is “The Abundance Book,” by John Randolph Price. There are also a bunch written recently by other authors. Even books on general mind principles by Emmet Fox are great for this.

Your library is probably connected to a library system, so if they don’t have the book you want, another in the system probably does and you can order it.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“How can I develop my ‘psychic gifts?'”

“How can I develop my ‘psychic gifts?'”

Question: I have been trying to develop my “psychic gifts” for many years now, without success. What can I do to get past it?

Answer: Many people are in a similar situation to you. They would like to develop an ability or talent more, but feel that it’s being blocked somehow. Sometimes, its cause is in a past life, and is re-stimulated in the present life. I’d recommend you read my article, “Past Lives: 101, Part 1-3” especially part 3, (go to my Article Index page and scroll down near the bottom) to get some deeper understanding of how this works. And many times, it’s something that has happened in the current life that has shut it down.

As to how to get past it, begin telling yourself that it’s safe now to experience those gifts. The subconscious is just trying to keep you protected and safe. If some trauma happened in a past life that made it dangerous to express them, then letting the subconscious/soul know that the fear is a response to a time long ago, and not relevant now, is key. Inner reassurance that it isn’t dangerous for you any more, that this is a different situation, can help to reduce the subconscious’ attempt to protect you.

Generally, as with any block, a past life issue was then re-triggered in the present life. If you can track back to what might have been said or done that shut you down as a child, that can be very helpful. An adult might have disbelieved you or was afraid of how you could sense things. Unfortunately, this happens a lot.

To handle it, you follow the same process as dealing with a past life issue. Reassurance, encouragement, specifically addressing what was said or done, will help the subconscious realize that it’s okay now.

Then start practicing your psychic gift in a small way, in one area. For instance, sense where you should go for the best parking place. Or, when the phone rings, sense who it might be. You could get the pack of “psychic cards,” that have different shapes on them, choose one at a time, and practice predicting which one has been selected. Pick one exercise, and do that and only that one for a while.

This is to help begin expanding the availability of your gift, as well as showing the subconscious that nothing bad is happening from it.

Take it slow, one step at a time. This builds your confidence that can expand into other areas, and it builds the subconscious’ feeling of safety. I know you want to make faster progress, but it could be counter-productive. If you try to go too fast, it might be too much for your subconscious to handle, and it’ll shut down again. Take it slow and steady.

Copyright 2011 Linda Ann Stewart
All Rights Reserved

“Remove Mind Tattoos” from wikihow

“Remove Mind Tattoos” from wikihow

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

“Mind tattoos” are mental imprints. Though not physically visible, these manifest themselves in your actions, reactions, and thought processes, and more often than not, they are a negative imprint. If body tattoos are exhibits, might we not view mind tattoos as inhibits?

Unable to be concealed no matter how hard you try to cover them up with excuses, distractions, or addictions, mind tattoos harm you through their persistence and habitual nature. However, with small effort and much resolve, it is possible to shed your mind tattoos. On paper the recipe is very simple, and certainly it will be harder to actually implement, but once you’re resolved to deal with your mind tattoos, and once you dedicate yourself to this task, your life will take a turn for the better.

Steps

  1. Use the simple displacement method. Mind tattoos and negative mindsets grow in a vacuum. Do not allow such a vacuum to be created in your mind. Increase your curiosity for things around you and beyond, allow yourself the privilege to be wonder-struck. Let the newness of every moment tickle your senses. Question yourself, keep asking what, why, when, where and how. A questioning mind is an open mind. It is not a knowing mind (the knowing mind soon leads to arrogance and shutting down on newness). Only an open mind can be creative. A knowing mind can never be creative.
    • When you open your mind, it can be filled with creativity, positivity and newness. Negative mindsets and tattoos will be displaced and deleted.
    • A questioning stance sensitizes the mind in a very special way, enabling it to sense what would have been missed otherwise.
  2. Come out of the mindset of blame games. The most damaging tattoo is the tendency to look for and find a scapegoat for every situation. Release yourself from the tendency of being problem averse and for shifting away responsibility. Stop wringing up your hands whenever there is a problem; while it is good to hope for a life without problems, realistically it is possible only when you work to make your problems surmountable, by cultivating a problem-friendly attitude. This means just rolling up your sleeves whenever you’re faced with a problem, and searching for an opportunity to improve the quality of your life by dealing with the problem. Being faced with a problem is never a problem. It is way of life and once you have woven problem-solving into the matrix of your life, you will feel stronger, more capable, and freer of the negative mind tattoos.
  3. Open your mind to ideas from friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. A tattooed mind is beset with preconceived ideas and closed to suggestion from outside. Open up your thinking to the ideas, opinions, and viewpoints gathered from your friends, colleagues, and even from strangers. Once you realize the value of these alternative ideas and views, you will be in a position to start using your increased understanding and empathy to improve the quality of your own thought and decision processes.
  4. Set achievable goals, and achieve set goals. A major reason for negative thought process is failure on personal or professional front; not just failure though – it is the failure to learn and grow from failure, to accept it as part of life’s lessons. The negative thinking can set in when personal or professional goals are not properly set. An improper understanding of your strengths or constraints often results in goals being not properly set and many excuses being made to sidestep developing a purpose to your life. In letting others make the decisions and change the rules on you, you drift rather than achieve through life. Instead, know yourself, understand yourself, and be yourself when setting your goals. This way you can be successful in setting and achieving your goal and keep failure out of your door. Moreover, do not be dissuaded by the failures but see them as detours that teach what to do better next time.
  5. Come out of the habit of perennial dissatisfaction. Perennial dissatisfaction is a major indication of a person with a negative mindset; a positive thinker can spot such a person a mile away and will do their best to steer clear (hence, you attract more negativity than its opposite). It is good to be acutely aware of your dissatisfaction and unfulfilled desires. However, this awareness should not frustrate you or cause you to give up citing everything as being “too hard” or “all over”. Even if you are frustrated, it should never be reflected in your behavior toward other people. As a matter of fact, you should use this awareness as a stimulus to realize your dreams, and to be grateful for that which you have achieved already. See How to Stop Feeling Like Your Life Isn’t Good Enough.
  6. Don’t overestimate the effects of your level (or lack) of schooling. A feeling of being uneducated or inadequately educated is one of the biggest self-destructing tattoo one can carry around. But higher level schooling can also imprint more negative tattoos: arrogance, self-righteous behavior, and greater dissatisfaction with one’s lot in life or sensitivity to past failures. Whatever category you fall into, understand that schooling is different from education. Education is sourced from life itself, the people you meet, the things you discover, and the environment in which you move and observe daily. Very often people with less or no schooling are found to be highly educated in matters of life and other way round. Less schooled people are often highly successful because they have minds clear of the biases that schooling can build into us. The more highly schooled who have simply associated their learning with being of a “higher status” might actually lack openness to new ideas and empathy for others, so they wind up less likely to succeed. Both would do better to
    • realize that universities and degrees do not determine your level of your education and do not even determine a person’s all-round intelligence or suitability for the rest of life.
    • Instead, figure out what you still need to learn and find the fastest way to learn it.
  7. Reframe your situation from different angles. A situation often appears to be hopeless and irretrievable. In many cases, such catastrophizing does not ultimately turn out to be true, especially where it is based on allowing ourselves to be the victim and to imagine things that are not there. Try to reframe the situation from different angles till you find an angle from where it looks acceptable. For example, in a cricket match in a close run-out decision, sometimes it appears that the batsman is out; however, reframing it from different angles gives the umpire more options of viewing the truth and taking correct decision. Similarly, being your own inner umpire (referee) by mental reframing of the situation often helps you to make the correct decision.
  8. Tattoo your mind with conscious, positive thoughts. What we tattoo on any part of the body for others to see is not as important as what we tattoo in our minds. Much of what is tattooed there has been absorbed from the criticisms, expectations, and limitations placed upon us by other people; they are not wanted or chosen tattoos but they are embedded out of obligation, loyalty, misplaced trust, and over-eagerness to please the other. On the other hand, positive, successful, energetic mind tattoos are a must to attain success and are tattoos that we can choose to implant and thrive from. So, it should be your conscious (and ultimately subconscious) endeavor to keep tattooing your mind with thoughts that are only about winning or thriving. Implant and nourish the tattoos that reflect who you want to be, the goals you want to reach, and the successes you seek to achieve. Mentally, make or choose your day’s outcomes for the day every single day.
    • Focus doesn’t simply sprout unaided. It requires effort and conscious attention. However, once you are focused, you can achieve a great deal of your heart’s desire because you’re consciously attending to what needs to be done, as well as channeling your subconscious experience more effectively.

Tips

  • Be very careful when implementing the process of removing your negative tattoos. It is necessary to restrain your feelings and impulses.
  • While you are going through this reform process, people around you could be the biggest inhibiting factors for you. Please be patient with them and be determined in your objective. Sometimes the fears and insecurities of others mean that they want us to stay where we are and not change or improve but you cannot bear their burdens for them, you can only choose to be a better person for yourself.
  • Take the advice and guidance of peers and elders. While you do not have to heed all that is said, other people’s experiences are important sources of information and guidance to set you on the better path through avoiding the pitfalls that they experienced. Remember that reinventing the wheel is a waste of your time when you stand in front of many generations’ of experience.
  • Thriving is better than winning at someone else’s expense. In the long run it helps you sleep better at night and gives you more future resources. If you step on people during the climb, they’ll kick you hard on the way down and remember exactly who you are.

Warnings

  • Give yourself time. Expecting too much too early can result in disappointment and frustration.
  • Your mental tattoos are well entrenched and may resist evacuation initially. You need to be persistent and confident. You can, and you will, release your mind from them.
  • Filter the advice that comes in from other people with trial and error. Try it honestly but when the trial fails, look at why. They can be right for themselves and wrong for you. Sedentary people can get sick from lack of exercise but a disabled person can get sick from exercise. If those other people have the same mind tattoos, they can often just reinforce them – it didn’t just crop up on its own. Don’t let them just hand the same biases back to you with a new set of intellectual rationalizations. Your mind tattoos came from somewhere so consider the source and weigh ideas for themselves.
  • If your friends and enemies both agree on something about you, it’s probably true or something about you makes people see you that way.

Things You’ll Need

  • A strong resolve
  • Self realization
  • A will to change
  • Dedication
  • Sacrifice

Related wikiHows

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